Transformation Update #1

It's Day 5 of my 112 day medically supervised liquid diet. And I have been following it to the letter, I haven't cheated once on it.

My cabinets are completely empty and my fridge is bare as well. I found it therapeutic to clean everything out. One of my goals during this time is to reframe my relationship with food and I'm looking at this time as a reset for my body, so it will be nice to add things to my shelves when it's time to start over. 

Confession: I did keep some canned tuna that isn't going to expire until 2021. I figured in case of an earthquake it would be good to keep some food on hand and when I reintroduce food, tuna isn't going to be a food I avoid. And I'm saving some champagne for Day 113.

I found that when Day 1 came, I was mentally ready to start. I thought I was physically ready but after decades of eating junk food and sugar daily, there's no preparing for that! I have a great support system with my friends & family and my coworkers have really helped me out (more on that later). I think my mom may have some unrealistic expectations with this program though, she mentioned me being able to go out and buy clothes from different stores. I don't think she realizes that I'm still going to be fat, I just won't be as fat. And yes, I say fat because fat doesn't mean ugly. I love my curves, I just want to be closer to 200 pounds than 300 pounds. And I have a lot of weight to lose right now.

So back to Day 1...I find that I'm eating constantly, so I haven't been hungry. It's a high protein diet and high protein seems to really fill me up (good to remember when I can eat real food again!). So being hungry isn't an issue. I had already stopped drinking soda a few days before and was cutting down my sugary drinks. I figured that would help.

The real issue that first day was the 10 glasses of water that I have to drink daily. If I don't hit that water goal, the high protein will work against me. But drinking 10 glasses of water when you aren't very good about drinking water means your bladder goes into overdrive. And as a teacher, I cannot leave my students unattended. Teacher Bladder is a real thing. We can hold it like no other. Which also means we are susceptible to urinary tract infections. 

But I couldn't hold it! I get 2 chances a day to use the facilities during a school day: recess and lunch but I needed MORE. So my coworkers stepped in and watched my class while I ran down the hall...multiple times a day. Some of my students commented on my having to use the bathroom a lot. I hope that balances out a bit more. I'm trying not to drink so much water during the day and guzzling it after school but I'm on a liquid diet, it's not gonna work like that. I think after this experience, I'll buy the ladies in the office flowers or something nice. 

And speaking of a liquid diet: it seems some bodies have difficulty adjusting to a liquid diet and might have tummy trouble. I am one of those people. I was sick the first day. I had a meeting after school at another site. I stood in the parking lot and said, "NOPE!" and then went home for the afternoon. 

Thankfully, my body adjusted to that aspect rather quickly, so every day felt better than the first.

And then Day 2 brought the sugar withdrawal. It started at the end of Day 1 but on Day 2 I woke up with a headache that stayed with me all day. My morning tea didn't help. I thought I was going through a caffeine withdrawal but the tea should have made a difference and it didn't. Plus, I've had caffeine headaches before and I didn't want to cry for no reason or totally lack any energy in the afternoon and evening. No, my friends, this was a sugar withdrawal. 

I also noticed I was feeling a little woozy or dizzy....when I was walking down the hall towards the end of the day, the office seemed to shift off it's foundation as I was heading towards it. But that felt kind of fun, like something almost pleasant so I figured I was fine.

By Day 3 I was feeling better headache wise, my energy was still kind of low (my body is learning to use the energy she's stored instead of what I put in her mouth) and I was thinking about food. Like really wanting food but not the food I normally eat, not McDonalds, chips, or candy but things I never eat: I really wanted a grilled ham & cheese sandwich. I couldn't stop thinking about it, that if I ate that sandwich, all the happiness in the world could be mine. And dear lord, I freaking miss Dr. Pepper!

My old habits tried to creep up, like I went to go eat something before I had to remind myself that's not what I'm eating that day. 

Day 3 was also the day I had tickets to see Hamilton that night. I was so worried about my new bathroom crazy bladder that I decided I would drink my water earlier, then stop drinking water a few hours before the show. And that worked! A little too well because after the show, I felt dehydrated and all I wanted to do was to drink water, gallons and gallons of water. And I had a headache that went away as soon as I drank the water. And all of this was weird because I had already drank my 10 glasses, so my body should have been fine. But whatever, I didn't miss a second of Hamilton and that's all that counts. (It was so incredible by the way!!! I loved it!)

Days 4 & 5 (today) have been uneventful. I'm not as active on the weekend, so I'm making sure to try to fit in some extra walking. I sprained my ankle at work last week, so I can't get in too much walking but I try here and there. I'm tired and my energy is still down but my body feels like it's normaling out. There's hardly any tummy issues now or headaches.

I can't take certain medications only Tylenol for pain but I haven't been taking any of that either. I feel like this is all something I have to push through.

One other thing I've noticed is that I've been colder than normal. Like I need to walk around with a comforter wrapped around me and I'm not used to that.

So is it working? I'm not supposed to be weighing in....but I totally am. Yes, it's working. I've been seeing the scale go down a little bit every day. I'll post my weight loss for the week at the end of Week 1 (technically, it's Week 2 on the program but we didn't get our food that first week) and let you know how it's going. I know I'll start seeing the benefits soon of simply increasing my water, so that's cool. 

So for now, I'm signing off.

Bullet Journaling

Today I wanted to talk about my bullet journal (or bujo, as I've seen). 

A bullet journal is a planner where YOU create it's entire layout and content. The journals typically are ones with dotted pages but the beauty is that you can use whatever you want. There are suggestions but no rules.

Typical journal

I'm not going to go into the how to set up a bullet journal for two reasons 1) I can't do it as well as some other people have (for a video click here and for a great website click here.) and 2) I don't use mine with the planner format.

I have a great system I use for planning (my teacher planner for school and my simple wall calendar for my appointments, etc) so I didn't need an extra planner. I do, however, thrive on writing out my to do lists by hand.

And that's basically what I use my bullet journal for, to do lists. I also track habits that I want to start, track books I've read, movies I went out to see, future ideas for things, tv shows I watch, basically anything that I want to keep track of.

washi tape is fun to use in bujo

I was going to show pictures of beautiful bullet journal spreads because I am not an artist. I practice writing in different fonts and it's not pretty. I use washi tape and stickers to decorate my pages and while I'm pleased with the results, some other people's pages are just so gorgeous! I'm also very linear in my thinking so my bullet journal tends to reflect that. I decided NOT to show pictures of bullet journal spreads that aren't mine because I also did not want to take credit away from the artist/person who created them. So you are stuck with pictures from my own bullet journal. Some of the pages ideas I got from Pinterest, others I got from the Facebook groups I am part of, and others just work for me. 

I use stickers like these

I started bullet journaling a couple years ago but if my head isn't in the right place, I tend to drop it. I used to feel if I didn't follow through and check off everything on my list, it meant I was a failure. Now, I've reframed my list as my goals for the day but understanding that sometimes other things come up or maybe it was a particularly trying day and I need to focus on self-care that wasn't on my list. I'm learning to be more forgiving towards myself and I'm actually more successful with my lists, it may just take me writing it down more than once but it gets done. 

Since starting my bullet journal in January, it's been fun and I've been experimenting more. It helps with my tidying and if I make my list the night before, it helps me set my intention for the next day. I don't lie awake at night thinking of all the stuff I have to do, it's already written down.

So here are some of my pages:

I've been playing with different pens & fonts. This is my title page if you will. The pen I used "ghosted" or imprinted to the other side, which I wasn't a fan of but I like this page.

My 2019 goals page & travel wish list. I found some travel washi tape that worked nicely with what I had in mind. I'm also practicing with "faking" calligraphy. 

My weight loss tracking page. My goal was 40 pounds but now that my doctor says I'm expected to lose 80 pounds, I'll add another tracker page once I fill this one up. I also included a motivational quote to help keep me going.

I have a GoodReads account that keeps track of my books for the year BUT it doesn't count re-reads and I do, so I made my own tracker. So far, I'm already behind but that doesn't mean I won't make my goal. And last year I didn't. I only read 78 books, which is still okay with me.

So to keep track of the movies I go out and see, the idea was to write the movie title as a popcorn and then the page would be filled with popcorn. I haven't seen any movies yet but that's not atypical. As summer draws closer, I tend to go out more to watch movies, especially with Avengers coming out! The next page is a list of different ways I can practice self-care. 

I wanted a year at a glance but I didn't need it to be too big since my year isn't so jammed pack, but when it is, it's awesome! My other page is a title page for January and my goal is to create a similar page for each month. I used stickers for the theme.

This is a typical weekly spread for me. Notice that Friday none of my things were checked off because I had a change in plans. I've been keeping track of my weekend chores and that's been helping me feel more accomplished during my weekend. I love the rose gold wash tape. 

Tidying my house has been a slow process but at the start, I went through my house and made a list of everything I had wanted to tidy up. This list has been really helpful and I'm pleased how much has been crossed off at this point. Little bit by little bit, I am getting rid of things I'm not using, that are literally collecting dust, or things that just need a deep clean!

Again, a normal weekly spread but I started playing around with this style of font with a highlighter and a pen. I've tried different pens and so far my favorite are the felt tip Flair pens by Papermate and Stabilo highlighers. For a more fine line tip, I like Fineliner Color Pens by Sipa. All of these I ordered from Amazon. 

Uh huh, fake it till you make it!

If you are interested in learning more, have fun researching! There are so many ideas on Pinterest that a person could feel overwhelmed. So remember, it's YOURS and you need to make it work for you, no one else! And even if you aren't an artist, there are fun ways to make it look pretty with accessories. That's how I make it work.

Transformation Commencing

Now that my insides are on a better to a more healthy lifestyle, I'd like my outside to start on that journey as well. 

And I want to ride a camel.

That sounds weird. 

This summer, one of my stops is in Morocco and I have an opportunity to ride a camel at sunset on the Moroccan desert. Camels are treated better than other tourist stops that involve animals and in fact, there is a group that can certify to the care and treatment of the camel, so having researched the animal's right of riding a camel and coming in the clear. I want to ride a camel at sunset in the Moroccan desert. 

But I'm a B-I-G woman. I feel that at this weight, me riding a camel would NOT be fair to that poor camel. 

So my goal is to lose weight.

Don't get me wrong, I love my curves and I in no way want to be Instagram model skinny. But I'm a little closer to 300 pounds than I care to be.

Over the years, I've done Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, tracked my food with My Fitness Pal and I haven't seen much success. 

Then one of my co-worker's started posting about her success. She lost something like 70 pounds in 20 weeks. 

It's a medically supervised weight loss program where you use meal replacements on a very strict daily calorie intake for 17 weeks. So it's pretty much a liquid diet. It's very intense where you constantly get checked by a doctor to make sure your body is handling everything okay. You meet for a class with your support group once a week and take classes for over a year in a behavior modification program focusing on healthy eating habits and exercise.

I heard about this program and instantly thought, "There's no way I would do that!" I mean, give up food? My soda? Candy bars? Fast food.....wait a minute....I was seeing a connection here.... 

But this program seemed too much. I even referred to it as "medically supervised anorexia". 

I even thought about my previous efforts and how I cheat all the time. I have sabotaged every effort I had ever made to lose weight.

And I have never done anything so restrictive.....I never restrict myself and food.....wait....oh dammit!

Doing this program would be hard and kinda of crazy. I'd need support....which I have and now that I was in a better head space, I knew I could absolutely do this. 

I don't avoid things simply because I've never tried it before. In fact, I make a point whenever I find myself using that as an excuse not to do something, I will stop and consider it. 

So I applied to the program. I got blood work and an EKG done just to see if I was healthy enough to attempt this. I got the okay and my doctor thinks I'd be a good candidate for it actually. She's expecting me to lose 70-80 pounds by my trip this summer. 

This week I am cleaning out cupboards, and preparing myself for the next few weeks. Next week, I start the meal replacements. My hair might start thinning due to rapid weight loss, my breath might smell from the shakes (I'm allowed sugar free gum & mints), I can still drink tea (I'm not a coffee drinker), but I might feel woozy the first few days, I might not be my happy self right away....parts of it might really suck.

But it's not surgery, and my hair would grow back.

I picture this like Andy Dufresne from Shawshank Redemption when he's going through the tunnel of filth and "came out clean the other end". 

Oh, I'll still be big, but so much lighter, in so many ways.

I freaking love the Shawshank Redemption. I've mentioned it several times on my blog before but I hate to leave something gross from it here....so I'll end with another quote that fits this moment, right now and somehow sums it up for me:

I find I'm so excited that I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at a start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.

2018 Really Sucked

Well, that's a hell of a title...

And for me, 2018 was one of my most challenging years, personally and professionally. And I realize now that I had been trying to sugar coat my life for so long that I had essentially lost my voice.

I became my own Little Mermaid, if you will. 

So what happened that led me to taking charge of my life and turning things around?

I'll come back to that.

So, 2018....I was teaching a new grade level. I went from Kindergarten to 4th Grade. And that in it's self started the spiral....because changing grade levels is really hard. Not only did I have to learn new curriculum (reading, writing, math, science, social studies, grammar, spelling, etc) but I was learning a new age as well. 

Ideally, a new teacher gets support but I didn't...on any level. Not even people (there was more than one) who were supposed to be mentoring me helped me. The other thing about switching grade levels is that you don't know what you don't know. I would be thinking I was doing great until I found out that something was due that day that I knew nothing about. I didn't know what questions I should be asking or if I did I'd get vague answers, I would discover that no one else was using a rubric because they just knew what "on level" looked like. 

Well compared to K, they were all doing phenomenally. 

So I just did my best and kept my mouth shut that I was struggling so much because I didn't want to throw any of my team members under the bus. I was trying to protect them and make it look like I was doing just fine by myself. 

And then my principal disappeared. She went home on a Wednesday in January and never came back. They kept putting off her return from medical leave but eventually even the powers that be had to say she wasn't coming back next year anyways and probably wouldn't be coming back at all. 

There are theories as to what happened to her. I believe she found out she wasn't going to be returning and spent the rest of the year on stress leave. We got an email at the end of the year from her announcing her retirement. 

And that really sucked because my class was really difficult. I loved them but I had fist fights breaking out in my class (7 of them for the year) and without any admin support, nothing was done to make it stop besides my time outs and losing recess. I did start suspending kids out of my classroom because that's all I had the power to do. 

Again, I was still doing just fine.

And by this time I had discovered who my friends were, AKA I lost my friends. 

Okay, really I stepped back and realized that they were not supportive of me when I reached out and were not good friends, so I backed away.

I'm going to give two examples in case they are reading this because I just ghosted them while in my obvious JUST FINE mental state:

1) I was waiting for them at a work event before I chose my seat because I wanted to sit by them. I waited for maybe 45 minutes before I found out that they had met before at one of their houses to start the party earlier. I felt stupid for waiting for them. Really stupid.

2) I had asked the same group to go walking with me in an effort to be more healthy. I had to take a break after a couple of miles and told them just to go on ahead. I waited for them and then trailed behind trying to keep up. Then a few weeks later, I saw them all going out for a walk without inviting me. Since I was the one who asked if we could start walking together in the first place, I felt stupid and so rejected.

I did take an amazing trip to Hawaii. I was hoping for some kind of life changing epiphany that came from Mother Earth being so close to volcanoes but I just had nightmares about union rep meetings. 

I don't remember what triggered it but my JUST FINE status turned into playing HEART ATTACK or PANIC ATTACK. I had an amazing trip to Budapest, Vienna, & Prague but I hid the fact that I broke out into hives from an allergic reaction to my sunscreen plus my joints had swelled up making movement more difficult and uncomfortable. Being morbidly obese is difficult onto its self but throw extra swelling in and you got yourself a party.

Did I mention that I'm morbidly obese and prediabetic?

It was after my trip to Europe that I realized that things could not continue this way. I had been asking for help and it wasn't working. I was asking the wrong people.

I turned to therapy. 

And I wish I had done it years ago. 

My therapist opened doors for me. I'm not on any medication but she's helped me with my mild anxiety AND discovered something about me that had been affecting me for years, which had a huge impact on how I got to the JUST FINE mentality that was drowning me. Why I ghost people and protect people who aren't doing what they're supposed to be doing, why I had stopped standing up for myself, why I had been slowing losing my voice to my own personal sea witch. 

I found my voice again. 

I might go into what I struggle with at a later time but I'm not ready to do that just yet. I will say that self-esteem and self doubt have a lot to do with it. 

So not only did I find my voice but there have been other side effects of my therapy: 

*I rediscovered my love of teaching. I am a good teacher, there are many great things about me as a teacher, and I am so much stronger this year as a 4th grade teacher

*I started decluttering. I watched Tidying Up on Netflix and it has totally inspired me. It's amazing how much stuff I've accumulated in the last five years. Purging my stuff has been so cleansing to me

*I have been consistently keeping up with my bullet journal. Last year around this time, everything creative around me stopped. I stopped journaling, blogging had been inconsistent but it just died. My little bullet journal has been a huge help to me moving forward

*My house is cleaner. I've discovered it so much easier to keep a clean house when you have less stuff in it. 

*I've been walking Dakota more

*My relationships are better...this includes family and my small group of friends. I don't intend to "confront" my old group of friends mostly because I don't see much point to it. I'm happy to keep things the way they are now.

So where do I go from here? Whelp, I got some plans! I've applied to join a medical weight loss program that's super intense that I would actually like to document my journey if I get accepted. I've got an incredible trip lined up this summer through Spain & Morocco that I want to research and prepare for. 

I would love to turn Miss Ruark's Adventures into more of my journey into wellness but that's also an adventure so I'm not sure if a title change is needed. For a long time, I thought I had nothing of interest to say or that I couldn't say the things I wanted to say. I no longer feel that way.....so we shall see what happens next.