Diving into the past.....

My father and I don't agree on our politics. He's a Trump supporter and against unions. I am terrified of the violence and hate that stems from Trump's campaign and I am very active in my local teacher's association. After teaching up in Alaska without a union, I vowed never to teach anywhere where no one had my back. But that's a separate post I will save for another day....

And I don't need my father to agree with me. That's fine. 

You see, my father didn't raise me. My mother did. They split when I was 5. My father stayed in Connecticut and my mother moved back to California where she was from. Their story was an East Coast man meets a West Coast girl. What do you do when the story crumbles? Each person goes back to their coasts, licking their wounds. 

Most people think that I was born and raised in California. Not so, I was born in Connecticut and my parents moved back and forth from coast to coast having their babies along the coasts. They met and married in California, had me in Connecticut, my middle brother in California, and my baby brother in Maryland. Then it was back to California, where I was raised.

miss ruark in kindergarten

When I was six, my mother met my future step-father, Robert. He worked long, crazy hours and wasn't a strong presence in my childhood. But he's since retired and actually drove me to my oral surgery last week, waited 2 1/2 hours, drove me to the pharmacy, and then took me home. He's a good man.

But there's a whole chunk that I don't really refer to. I don't hide it because I'm not ashamed of it by any means...it hurts in a different way.

But more background is needed: my grandfather is wealthy. As in old money wealthy. But he comes from the beliefs that being given a large amount of money isn't a good thing. He believed that people should go out and make their own way. So when his daughters reached the age of 18, they were expected to leave his house, get a job, and start living their own life. He didn't think women needed an education, so he refused to pay for college. My mother never went to college.

When my mother left my father she had 3 kids ages 5 to 18 months, no education, no job, and nowhere to live. Her parents weren't an option. So, she went on welfare and rented a trailer in a trailer park in West Pittsburg before it became Bay Point. 

My father refused to support us. I've heard his different reasons over the years...he didn't have a job but he's also said that my mother left him to run back to her father, my grandfather. He expected my grandfather to support us.

My grandfather wasn't around much in my childhood. He didn't come in and rescue us. Someone else did.

After a year in the trailer park, my mother found out she was being evicted. We were going to move to the projects when my mother's new boyfriend (Robert) said that we could all come and live with him and his daughter. 

My mom learned a trade (medical transcription) and built up clients. She got herself off of welfare. We moved to Benicia. We weren't as poor as we were before but we never had a lot of money. I would say we were lower middle class. Instead of being able to afford a child getting the Star Wars Trilogy for Christmas, one year each of us got a movie and we put them together and shared. My movie was Star Wars: A New Hope. That's how we got presents like that. We'd get one big thing we wanted. 

My father sent gifts and called but he didn't pay child support. I didn't see him again until I was in the 3rd grade. Then he came out again the next year for a day. He was a "Disneyland Daddy". He would shower us with gifts and be super amazing and then disappear for long stretches. I saw him again when I was in high school. He was bad mouthing my mom to me and the boys so badly that the boys started being mean to my mother. I felt bad so a lot of the presents I picked out for my father to buy me were actually gifts I picked out for my mom. 

In stores, he never turned around when we called out, "Dad!" I started calling him by his given name just so he would know I was talking to him. I've never called a man Dad. If you notice, I never refer to him as my dad. 

me and my brothers around the time of the split

Dads are something special. Dads stay. Dads know you. Any man can be a father, but only a special man can be a Dad. I saw that on a card once, and it's brutal truth stuck with me.

I've tried to have a relationship with my father. There have been years where I didn't hear from him, both as a child and now as an adult. He told me once the reason he didn't call me on my 18th birthday was because he didn't have anything new to say. We really only connect through Facebook. My brothers don't have a relationship with him at this time. 

Lately, my father has been slamming my political posts on my page. It's been pissing me off. I saw a post on his page complaining about people on welfare....that was hard, doesn't he know his own children were living off of welfare? Has he forgotten? He posted that fathers and daughters are best friends for life on his page. But he didn't tag me or anything, or post it to my page. It was almost like it was for his friends to see it, to show what a good dad he is. 

Facebook is my only contact with my father and he's not making it easy. Acquaintances of mine will see his comments, see that he's my father, and think he's my dad.

So here's my truth. I need it out there. I don't want to hide it. My father was a dead beat dad who told me once that he wished my mom had gone after him and thrown him in prison for not paying child support because then he would have had the time to work on his novel. 

Not everyone has to agree with me. Not everyone has to support me. But he doesn't get to express himself on my posts. He has his own page for that. To pretend whatever thing he wants to pretend, and I leave it alone.

Geez, daddy issues much? 

The Weighting Game

I am tired of obsessing about my weight. I am tired of the constant battle between what I should be doing, what I am doing, and what I am not doing.

I have faced many obstacles to overcome in my life, but my greatest obstacle has been my weight. And what makes it even more delightful, is that my incredibly raw, heartbreaking journey is out there for everyone to see...and judge.

Oh, don't worry, I judge myself far more harshly than anyone else could.

I'm not writing this because I want pity or attention even. I've been wanting to write but felt that I haven't had much to write about because 1) I don't enjoy writing about my classroom and 2) if I'm not in my classroom, then I'm obsessing about my weight.

And who wants to read about that?

Then I figured, I'm a morbidly obese woman trying to lose weight. If I am successful, then it's a story. But the fact I haven't been successful after years of trying kinda makes it not so interesting a story.

I would love to tell you that something clicked in me and I suddenly became determined to lose this weight. I looked over and found my "why". For some, it's their kids, or another loved one....my why is that I don't want to be fat. It's completely selfish: I don't like being fat. It really sucks. 

Okay, I used the "f" word. Normally, people want to jump in and tell me that I'm still beautiful and try to make me feel better. Here's the funny thing: I don't actually think I'm ugly, I just think I'm fat and I don't like it. But I have days where I like my outfit, or my hair, or my makeup and I think I look pretty. I don't associate fat with ugliness. I can look at women of all sizes and think they are beautiful. So please don't think when I say that I am fat, I am also saying I am ugly. 

Some people might think that I am ugly. But they aren't seeing me. Granted, I don't like how people look through me or don't make eye contact with me. I think I must be lucky, being a pretty fat because I can't imagine how a homely person of my size would be treated. Ever since I dyed my hair blonde, people have seemed to notice me more and they are being nicer. I used to blend in the wall and people made a point not to look at me. I felt even more isolated from people. It's very lonely being obese.

And how people love to give me advice how to lose weight! I actually know how to lose weight and honestly, most advice isn't very accurate. Me eliminating one food item is not going to help a woman of my size...or doing anything that is "easy". 

Losing weight is freaking HARD. For me to lose weight I have to: completely change my food choices (like from scratch), write down everything I eat, count those calories (or points if I happen to be on Weight Watchers for the bazillionth time), not go over the calorie goal, drink 10+ glasses of water (bigger people need to drink more), plan my meals, exercise (making sure I mix up cardio with some strength training), get my 8 hours of sleep a night, and give up any junk/crap food like soda or sugar in the meantime.

Not only does the process suck, but I have to wait forever for the results. See, after a month of working on this every day, there won't be a very noticeable difference. That's another joy of obesity. I have to lose 10% of my weight before it's physically noticeable. So the more you weigh, the more you have to lose. I think it is very sweet when people notice that I have been making changes and they tell me that they can see the results already and they really can't. And because plus size clothing spans 20 pounds in one size, I can't even lose a dress size until I lose over 20 pounds (and most likely - closer to 30 pounds). 

I went to my doctor, to get help losing weight. I was referred to a weight loss surgeon. But I won't be taking that route. I'm actually only 15 pounds over the qualifying weight and my blood work came back that I have actually gotten healthier in the last year. And I'm okay with that, I want the freedom to try certain foods without it making me sick. Or having to obsess even more with what I eat. 

My doctor recommended I try Alli for weight loss. I was hesitant to try it, especially since some of the side effects could be messing your pants. And It Works has Fat Fighters which blocks some of the fat in a meal but doesn't have nasty side effects. But I tried the Alli.....and boy, was I sorry. It gave me a horrible headache for 4 days (I thought I was experiencing caffeine withdrawl until I realized I in no way drank that much soda!) and when I stopped taking it, I felt like I had food poisoning. I'll be sticking to my Fat Fighters, thank you very much! I don't take them regularly, so I should really start doing that.

Again with the shoulds! 

I hope that one day I can not obsess about my weight. I hope when I hit maintenance mode that diet and exercise will be such a habit, it's no longer the soul sucking annoyance it is today. And maybe I will have an inspirational story to tell after all! 

Me, as I am

In the meantime, I will just keep going....

Glory Days

My 1st time on a bush plane

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, when he said to me: "I don't know why you don't talk more about your Alaskan adventures. If I was you, I'd be mentioning it every 3rd sentence."

Oh, I have my reasons.

I know people who have done amazing things in this world. And they have amazing stories to tell. But some of them really only have that one amazing story. Which they continue to tell, many times....just...that...one....story.

And that's not what I want. 

My 1st boat ride to Bethel

I don't want my glory days to be when I spent 3 years teaching in rural Alaska, driving down the Alaska Highway and then leaving for Iceland alone a month later. Because as awesome as that is....I don't want that to be my crowning achievement. I don't want that to be my one story.

Which then begs the question: What do I want then?

Oh my gosh! So many things!

But more importantly, what am I doing about it?

Because I'm finding that wanting & wishing for things aren't enough. You have to go out and make things happen. 

My 1st experience living in snow (modeling my new boots)

So here are some changes in my life that are coming around the bend:

Writing: I really want to write. But not about my life. I want to write fiction, so I plan on devoting more time to writing and not just trying to blog more.

My 1st time plucking birds

Career: One thing my experience in Alaska taught me, is that a teacher without a union backing him/her can be so mistreated. I was bullied, threatened, mistreated, and unfairly assessed by my administration in Alaska. I decided "Never Again" and have become more involved in my local teacher's union. There's a backlash against unions right now, that is really unfair to workers. Because corporations aren't after their worker's best interests, and when left alone, they will mistreat people. I've seen that first hand. I like the idea of standing up for people and helping them, being a voice for those in need. 

My 1st time on the tundra

Business: I became a Distributor for It Works! a little while ago. I used to sell bags and I liked that for a time but I am not a big party person. And that's the big thing for selling the bags, you have to have parties to increase your sales. So I took a break from that. I was using the It Works! products as a customer and I decided to try selling them. I really liked the business model It Works! uses (I actually have a business degree before I got into teaching) and I have been really impressed with how well I have been doing with this. And I don't need to do parties to be successful. And the product is consumable so my clients will need more at some point, which is important. Because once you buy a bag that lasts forever, well....there's only so many bags you need. Plus, I really stand behind the products. (For compliance purposes, I am not allowed to post my business links on my blog, but it doesn't say that I can't say that I am a Distributor.)

My 1st helicopter ride (pictured with my mom)

Weight Loss: Man, this is my Everest. I am determined to accomplish a major feat this year! I was down almost 30 pounds, but I put back 10 with summer vacation (I am so active during the school year that it's a hard adjustment for me.) So, I'm still 20 pounds down but I am ready to commit to my health. I don't really even talk about it anymore because it's so personal and my results are up and down. I haven't found anything that's clicked with me yet. I've noticed that when I don't eat processed foods that I see faster results. So that's important. 

My 1st very own dog (Dakota)

I'm reading Jack Canfield's book, 'The Success Principles' and that book has been very eye opening. I was feeling really bad about my weight recently and using his methods just in the beginning of the book have helped me pull myself out of a deep dark slump. 

I thought hitting rock bottom would be a number on a scale but it turns out that wasn't the case. 

Sometimes, I think there are messengers here from the universe (or what ever you believe). They help tell you the next step. Sometimes, they come in the form of actual people but in this case, I think the message from the universe came in the form of a book. Stay positive, set goals, make affirmations, & visualize your success. That's what I've been doing so far. Also, his book has really helped me zero in on what I want from life. 

And it's not to have peaked in Alaska. I've got more stories to gather. I plan to have Glory Years!

My last picture in Akiak

Rules for Dating My Auntie Lala...

...according to my 7 year old niece!

Actually, I'm surprised that she was willing to agree that I should even date. She's actually quite against it. 

Here are her objections:

1) What if I want to sleep over?
2) You'll be out all the time, going on icky dates.

Basically, she is unwilling to share me.

I was reading Aziz Ansari's book 'Modern Romance' and I was discussing the book with my mother, while my favorite 7 year old was playing with her toys.

I told my mother that I was pretty sure at this point I'll never marry.

To which my niece replied, "And there's nothing wrong with THAT!" 

But then I asked, "Well, if I did get a boyfriend, what kind of guy should I get?"

And here is her list & reasonings: 

1) He'd have to be funny & like to have fun because I (Auntie Lala) am funny & like to have fun. So that makes sense.

2) He needs to like comic books. And by comic books, she means 'My Little Pony'. Yes, because her daddy likes 'My Little Pony' and once when she was wearing a 'My Little Pony' sweatshirt, a man told her that Rainbow Dash was his favorite. So, since guys like 'My Little Pony', my boyfriend would have to as well.

3) He doesn't have to like 'Doctor Who' because 'Doctor Who' is scary and gives her nightmares. He should like 'Star Wars though', because Auntie Lala likes 'Star Wars'.

4) He should have a job because that's what adults do.

5) He has to like big dogs and cats because of Dakota & Lola.

6) He can't live with his parents because only little kids do that.

7) He has to let her do what she (my niece) wants.

And there you have it. Those are the rules. 

Actually, looking over them, it's not a bad list. 

I imagine that when I bring a fella home to meet my family, it's not going to be my parents who he'll need to impress though. And since she's declared that she's only willing to share me with Dakota & Lola, good luck with that!*

*She was aware of a gentleman who liked me & asked me out on a date and when she met him, she glared at him when he walked away from us. Like seriously shot daggers at him with her eyes!

2015 Reading Challenge Update

So I started the PopSugar's 2015 Reading Challenge in January. 

I don't know when I became such a big reader. I remember, as a teen ager, sitting in the living room with my brothers, and all of reading our own books. Maybe I was a reader back then but in a house full of readers, I never noticed it because it was our norm. 

I remember as a punishment for not completing pretty much any of my homework in middle school, I had to back up my bookcase and turn my books in with my mother. (Since she wasn't looking, I stashed some of my favorites away in my closet. Then I'd sit & read in my closet instead of doing my homework.)

I remember also in middle school, when my mother left a Jackie Collins book in the bathroom and I spent 3 days sitting on the bathroom floor, pouring over that novel. My mom left to run errands and I remember lying on the floor, half in the bathroom, half in the hall so I would be able to hear her unlock the front door. That book was the trashiest, most awful book I have ever read. Still to this day.

I did admit to my mom that I had read that book and after that, two things happened 1) my mom was much more careful about the books she left lying around and 2) she decided that I would be allowed to read adult romance novels, but she got to pick them out for me. Her choice were top rated (not trashy) historical romances. My favorite authors at the time were Julie Garwood & Judith McNaught. I am sure I was a middle school English teacher's worst nightmare.....the books I pulled out for silent reading were not your average middle schooler's.

Looking back, I guess I've always been a reader. But it didn't seem like being a book worm was anything to comment about it. 

I think I figured that everyone liked reading and read books. 

It wasn't until my friends started posting posts about loving books & reading on my Facebook timeline that I realized my love of books & reading was anything special. But those posts made me feel special. It made me proud of books & reading and that people associated me with something so fine & lovely.

I've never tried to compete with anybody or look down on them for not reading books. My sister-in-law isn't a reader, and I adore her. She interacts with the real world far more than I do. I admire her for that. She's constantly out doing things, having fun, so who I am to judge anyone for that. 

I just spent two hours laying on my bed, reading my Stephen King book. That was great fun (to me). 

Even though I'm not competitive, that doesn't mean that some people don't try to compete with me. I didn't grow up with that. My brothers liked their genres, and I liked mine. I'd read one of their books, but it wasn't my thing and that's okay. There are a few genres that I don't read. I would love to be into poetry, but I just don't read it. And horror books...I will read the master of horror (Stephen King) but I don't like to be scared normally. Military & war books don't interest me either. I like some biographies but I seem to be picky about the person I read about. I like to read about strong women in history who went against society's norms and kicked ass. 

I mention this because someone once tried to put me down for not reading the same genres as he did. I was told I was really limiting myself as a reader. That offended me, because I do consider myself to be well-read. 

Back to the Reading Challenge!

I like that I read some books that I normally would not have but I don't think I will be doing another challenge next year. I miss picking books out just for fun. Now, they have to be on my list or a book I can use on my list.

This challenge is a 52 book challenge. That averages to a book a week. And I've read 34 books so far this year. I have 18 left to go. Last year, my goal was to read 37 books (and I read 52, go figure). 

Thankfully, the challenge hasn't lessened my love of reading. It's just narrowed my choices. But I did go back & took another look at my TBR (To Be Read) stack & figured out how to fit in my new books into the the challenge. That helps. 

Here's my challenge so far:

Man, if I got a free book out of this challenge, that'd be awesome. But right now, I'll take the feeling of accomplishment & pride. Either way, after reading all those books, it's still a win. 

Bad Advice Or Why I Have To Pay THE MAN

I am not doing very much this summer. I don't have any big trips planned.

I tell people that I have to "adult" this summer. Because that's more fun to say than: I have to save my money because I owe the IRS back taxes and it's due at the end of the summer. So, instead I say something cute and kind of trendy.

But how did this happen? How is it that I owe back taxes? I'm a single school teacher who rents. 

Oh yeah, it's cause I thought some people knew what they were talking about!

Have you ever met someone who spoke with such conviction & authority that you had an instant respect for them......only to find out later that they had absolutely no idea what they were talking about?

Yeah, that's annoying. But thankfully, I am starting to not fall for that.

Back when I was filing my 2012 taxes, I was doing them myself. Now, I was still living & teaching in Alaska at that point and I couldn't take my taxes over to a professional to have them done.

My taxes are pretty straight forward anyways. But there was one thing that was tricky.

Since I had no say in where I lived in Akiak (the school district was my landlord and determined what house I stayed at AND who I lived with) I fell under the category of "Forced Housing". Which meant that my rent was tax deductible. 

Yay, right? Except that it's a pretty rare occurrence and not handy on any tax form. So I asked other teachers where they had put in the rent amount. 

They said, "Oh, you just do _______________." (I'm NOT posting what they said.)

I asked, "Really? That's it?"

I was told by several people, "I've done that for years and never had a problem." Then they looked at me like I was stupid for even questioning if they were correct.

Okay, so that's what I did. I submitted my taxes and everything was fine. Who was I to question those smarter than me? 

The next two returns, I went to a professional and everything was fine.

Except, a few months ago, I received a letter saying that my 2012 taxes were wrong and I owed thousands of dollars. 

And I saw on Facebook that many of my Alaskan friends had received similar letters.

To quote Lord of the Rings: ....but they were all of them deceived...

Okay, that was a bit dramatic. But bottom line: the advice didn't come from a tax expert. And it was bad advice.

I wrote the IRS and told them why I didn't owe them thousands of dollars.

And they agreed.....for the most part. They say I still owe $700. 

Could I fight it? Maybe. I could hire a tax attorney. I could go to a professional. Or I can be grateful that it's no longer thousands of dollars and just pay it.

And that's what I have decided to do. Chalk it up to the next time I want tax advice, you'd better be a professional. 

Although, part of me wants to submit a bill to the people who gave me the advice....but one of them is in jail waiting trial for abusing his adopted children, so I don't really want his money anyways.

My advice: there's a lot of bad advice out there, and if someone has to put you down to prove their point, maybe it's not the best advice after all. 

Still Miss Ruark's Adventures....

I've decided that having an adventure blog right now is not what I want to write about anymore. Now, don't get me wrong, I love adventures! However, I feel like I am narrowing my topics to write about. And since I've moved back to the world of suburbia, adventures are different.

I've got a lot to say, and Miss Ruark's Adventures couldn't contain me anymore....

I'm just breaking out of my box.

My cat, about to bust out of her box!