Behavior Modification: Exercise

So the goal of my Weight Management Program isn't to just lose weight. It's a behavior modification program designed to change two of my behaviors: healthier eating habits and increasing my exercise. 

Keep in mind that right now, I'm eating a super restricted diet. That will change in June where I will slowly be reintroducing "regular" food back into my diet. Well, that's the idea....I'm actually gonna be jumping on a plane after a few weeks of food reintroduction and will spend time in Portugal, Spain, & Morocco. So that will be different.

But my focus this week is based on an euphony I had this weekend while at the gym.

But let me back up:

So around Week 3 or 4, we were supposed to start tracking our steps. They even gave us pedometers. I have my Fitbit, so I haven't used the one that they gave me. Our goal was to hit 10,000 steps a day. 

My Fibit: Versa

And between teaching and walking Dakota, I can hit that no problem. Pat myself on the back for having an active job. 

Which was a great feeling because I HATE exercise. 

And I mean I hate every second, every step....even activities I enjoy like dancing turn to crap when it's a timed exercise. I don't think my body produces those endorphins that make you feel good exercising because it really sucks. (I also resent having to change my clothes to go exercise. After work, I want comfy, not skin tight active pants.)

I was kinda just hoping that the diet itself would fix all my issues and I could be healthy without exercise. I mean, did you see that I hit 10,000 steps Monday-Friday?

I DO like weight machines though....I feel tough when I use them but my doctor said only cardio right now. No weights/weight machines, etc.

Okay, fine. I'm going through this program....I figured I would try to hit 10,000 steps during the weekend. I have a gym membership that I wasn't using. Fine, I'll get up, put on my active wear and hit the gym.

And so I did. I followed through with it. I was listening to either a podcast or an audiobook and it wasn't terrible.

And then a couple people invited me to go on a walk with them during the week. And that didn't suck either. I enjoyed it. 

Then I realized that just hitting steps wasn't enough of a challenge for me. If I was going to work the program, shouldn't I be going out of my comfort zone and making more of an effort?

So I changed my goal: I would go to the gym on days that I wasn't teaching, but I also had to go on walks more during the week. Plus, I'd love to improve my flexibility, so I think I'll start with yoga once a week. The yoga hasn't happened yet BUT I think after work on Mondays might be a great day for that. I can destress and shake off those Mondays.

Which leads me to my euphony: I'm actually enjoying my time at the gym. I sleep in on the weekends, so when I go, it's not busy. No one is particularly nice, they all ignore me, which I like. And I get to listen to my choice: music, podcast, or audiobook. No one bothers me, no animal or person needs something from me, because it's my time to just be left alone, in my own little world, just walking on the treadmill. There's no "I should be doing this" or other guilty thoughts because I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing. I'm exactly where I need to be at that moment. 

And of course the walking has it's benefits too. I'm not stressed at the gym. I'm already faster and walking longer than I was able to that first day, so I feel better about my progress.

I still don't love exercising but it's not as terrible as it normally feels. 

If I come out of this program with the habit of going to the gym on the weekends, that's pretty impressive. And it's been 3 weeks now that I've gone. 

Maybe I'll become one of those gym people. How crazy would that be? 

Truths About Dieting

I wasn't going to post about my "diet" this week, I wanted to post something else that was going on in my life. But I am not able to do that because my "diet" is all encompassing. 

It's present when I wake up (Gotta get some water in before I walk my dog), it's present at breakfast, throughout my work day, after my work day, at dinner, and before I go to bed. Is it time to eat next so I don't mess up my planned meals? Am I getting enough water in? How are my steps doing?

It's constantly present, this plan of mine. And while I don't hold it in contempt, I have to acknowledge  it's existence. It's there ALL OF THE TIME. 

The part I do resent is it's ability to ruin my day. Good results make me feel amazing. 'Yes! My hard work, my constant vigil, is paying off!' Bad results send me down a spiral. 'What more can I do? It's not like I can starve myself!' 

And my weigh in did not go so well last week and it sent me to a dark place. 

Because somewhere along the way, my self-worth became tied to the number on the scale. I labeled myself as being "bad" when I chose foods high in sugar and fat. I'm good when I eat a salad or punish myself eating a Lean Cuisine. (that analogy came from my friend, Lily - and damn, did she nail that one on the head!). But it's true. When we're bad, food becomes a punishment.

And fat becomes synonymous with ugly, undesirable, unworthy. Fat jokes are acceptable in any situation. It's our fault for being fat. How dare we take up space in an airplane seat, never mind, that the airlines have been purposely shrinking seats to cram more people in there to sell more tickets? The fault is entirely ours. 

So there I was, shaken to the core. I'm supposed to be losing more than what that scale said. I did the work. I did everything I was asked to do. Yet my body betrayed me. 

I am living this program 24 hours a day. And I didn't feel that I was seeing results. 

I still didn't give up. Because I couldn't, not with all these eyes on me. I didn't cheat either. Because I can't cheat without becoming horribly sick, as I've been warned. 

So I sat and cried. 

I sobbed. And I sobbed and then I realized I might be a bit hormonal too. Which would explain why this week didn't go so well.

So, I reached out to my family and went for a long walk the next day. I also reached out to my therapist that night too. Thank goodness I started therapy, otherwise, I doubt I would be so successful right now. I picked myself back up and took it one day at a time. 

And the next day was better. And the day after that.

And now the results are coming in. I bought myself flowers for hitting a new weight range and leaving my last one (increments of 10). I put my baggy pants in the donate pile (I JUST went up a jean size and seem to be leaving it). And the scale moved down to a 15 pound loss just today. 

I'm envious of people who don't define themselves by a number on a scale or by their food choices. I doubt I'll ever be one of those people.

BUT I am grateful that while I don't like all the extra folds on my body, I don't consider myself ugly. I'm grateful for being able to travel to other countries where body size isn't such a cultural thing. 

And I'm grateful that when I did go dark, it wasn't for very long.

Transformation Update #3

This might be my last transformation update for a bit now that I'm getting into the swing of things.

3 powdered shake flavors

I am finishing Week 3 of a 16 week medically supervised liquid diet. I haven't cheated, nor have I given up.

So, I had my first Med Check this week where I got to meet with my doctor and go over my latest blood work and also how I was doing on the program so far. I told her how my gut didn't know what to do with it's self and she told me that was common and recommended I start taking a fiber supplement. 

She also recommended I start taking vitamin D to help boost my metabolism. I know that I was hoping I would have lost more on the program but did she agree with that statement? I dunno, because I didn't ask. I meet again with her on Week 5, so I can ask her then.

I've settled into a routine with my eating on this program. I'm still needing someone to watch my class while I run to the bathroom a couple times a day and that's annoying but I am very grateful that people are willing to help me. 

Ready made shakes are an option

I went to the movies on Friday and that triggered me. (Captain Marvel - go see it!) I was at a fancy movie theater where you order food and servers bring it right to your seats. So I saw plates of yummy food keep going by me. I had thought picking a seat at the end was a smart idea in case I had to use the bathroom but the food was distracting.

I'm not use to denying myself food. This is a completely new idea to me, especially if the food is right there for the ordering! I think this is one of my issues as to my weight gain and this is something I will have to work through the rest of my life if I want to live a healthy lifestyle, cause trust me, I wasn't craving vegetables. 

Some of the bar options

Another new thing for me is exercise. I normally get 10,000 steps on the days I teach (plus walking Dakota) but on my days off, I don't move much. So I decided to go to the gym on Saturday and Sunday. I slept in, got in my gym clothes, drank a shake (that what the program says to do), worked out, had to drink another shake cause I was really hungry afterwards. 

I've lost over 10 pounds so far. I don't know if that is considered fast or slow on this program. I'll have to ask but there's really nothing more I can do to get better results. I'm staying on the plan, moving more, drinking more water, and I'm trying to get to bed earlier. My body is just gonna do what it can do at this point.

Some benefits so far: my clothes are looser in my midsection. I didn't take measurements and now I'm kinda regretting it because those results would be interesting. I'm also sleeping a lot better. My energy stays consistent throughout the day and I don't have crashes like I used to. All that energy is coming from me now. 

I can mix and match & have soup too
There's also a tomato flavor soup

I get hungry but a meal fills me up. I eat every couple of hours too, so when I get hungry it means that I just need to eat something. The only time I ignore my hunger is when I am going to bed. I don't feel like I'm starving myself at all. Depriving myself, sure but I'm not crying about it anymore. 

I've had several decades of treating myself or "living a little" and it's okay to take a break from that for a while. 

I'm glad I didn't go the surgical route and did something where I did something permanent to myself. This is temporary. This is resetting my body, my taste buds, my metabolism, and my habits. 

A month from now will be awesome but right now, it's kind of a boring phase. 

Transformation Update #2

I am on Day 13 of 112 on Phase One of my medically supervised liquid diet. I have not eaten anything outside of the program. I haven't cheated, not once.

I was told that the first two weeks on the program are the hardest. And I first thought that since the first week was so hard that week 2 would be a walk in the park.

Oh, I was young then! Okay, it was 5 days ago but still, so naive.

I went in for my weekly check in and to be honest, I was kinda bummed at the results. MY scale showed a 6.5 pound loss and my doctor's scale showed a 3.9 pound loss. Some people in my group lost 8 pounds but more people were in my range.

And I was bummed because with all that I had gone through, I wanted to lose so much more. Now, I know what you are saying, "But 6 pounds in one week is good!" or "You're just getting started, etc." And yes, I know. It took me years to put on this weight, it'll take some time to take it off.

It appears that I, myself, had some unrealistic expectations.

I also found out that I didn't need to be drinking that much water. I could count the water I was adding to the shakes. And my body was adjusting so I was as thirsty this week as the week before. I still drink a lot of water and need help with bathroom breaks during school hours, but I feel a little more balanced. 

But this week was hard in a way I wasn't expecting. Week 1 was about my body adjusting, whereas Week 2 was about my mind adjusting. And man, she is a b*tch!

So far on this plan, I eat every couple of hours and I am not hungry. So none of my issues came from needing to eat but I felt so deprived to the point of tears. I missed my soda, I missed food....bread, sandwiches...surprisingly NOT candy but baked goods like cupcakes and such. I didn't miss fast food but I missed steak and chicken. Oh, and chips....I missed meals. I had a dream where I shoved my mouth full of sourdough bread without realizing it, and asked myself, "What are the chances of this being a bar?" Oh, it was bread all right, and sourdough is my favorite. I even missed salads. 

I was resentful and sad. And to add insult to injury, my weight started fluctuating and I wasn't losing much if anything. 

I don't care that I shouldn't weight myself everyday...that was the ONE thing I was looking forward to on this plan was seeing those numbers go down and my scale betrayed me! BETRAYED I say!

What was I doing all this for!?! 

Oh, there were tears. There was doubt. There was me questioning if illegal speed was simply getting a bad rap and maybe I should have gone that route. 

But I didn't give up. Instead, I looked to what I could add to my diet that was on the list like: zero calorie sparkling water or Hint water. I found out that I could add Mrs. Dash to my soups to improve the flavor. I could even drink diet sodas if I wanted to but I want to move away from sodas so I stayed away from that. But the other drinks seem to help. 

No, I didn't give up. The scale has started to trickle down. 

I just hope this works.

One issue that I am having is that this high protein diet is really messing up my gut. I meet with the doctor in a couple of days for my first Med Check and I am going to seriously talk to her about adding some fiber to my diet. I hope my tummy issues is why I wasn't losing much weight this week. 

I was pretty active this week, I hit 10,000 steps every day but the weekend because I'm a teacher and trust me, we move a lot.

I have to be okay with the fact that my process might be slower than expected. I might not lose the 70 to 80 pounds within that time frame. It may take me longer. And even if I was 50 pounds lighter for my trip this summer, that's still amazing. I have to stop comparing myself to others. Some people are going to lose more than me and I just need to be happy for them.

Mother f***ers.