Program Update: I Quit!

Okay, maybe that's not what you were expecting but hear me out: I quit for legitimate reasons.

Throughout the two and half months that I was on the program, I wasn't feeling well. My stomach was always uncomfortable, like my food was just sitting there like a weight. My whole GI tract was off.

And I would mention this every time I saw the doctor. At first, she recommended FiberCon for a fiber supplement...every day. And I started to feel a little better, but then I wouldn't. Every doctor appointment was the same, me saying I wasn't feeling very well, me defending myself that I was actually following the plan, her recommending more water or sleep. She told me that the high protein diet was just hard to digest for some people. 

And it went on like this. I figured since she was the doctor, she knew more than me. I was following everything on the plan...I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing. I was losing weight but I didn't feel any different. No extra energy, and I certainly didn't feel lighter. 28 pounds felt just the same as before except my symptoms were getting worse. 

Until the week I didn't lose any weight because I was so bloated and felt so heavy. I stood up for myself at the doctor's, I vented my frustration, I needed to make her understand that something was not right. And even though I was going to the bathroom every day, she recommended a gentle laxative for the next 7-10 days.

Because all healthy diets need laxatives, right?

I went to my group right after the doctor's visit and expressed my frustration. I was told to listen to my "jams" to pick up my mood and try to be more positive. I actually felt betrayed & offended by that comment. I had been so dedicated to this program and it was making me sick....and as long as the scale was going down, no professional seemed to care.

So the day after the doctor & the group, I sent some hairs in to an independent company to test me for food intolerances. At this point, I was convinced I had a sensitivity to soy. 

Every single meal product I had been eating 7-8 times a day was soy based. I had noticed my skin was breaking out and my time of the month was much more hormone induced. Soy increases your estrogen levels I had read and I knew that too much of anything wasn't good for you, and a soy intolerance would make sense.

I also followed the doctor's directions and took Miralax and stayed on program.

I did so again the next day...and that's when all hell broke loose.

Keep in mind that there is no bathroom story in this tale. 

Because the intense pain that occurred was in my stomach. It was my upper GI that was affected. I was doubled over in pain on my bathroom floor because I was trying to throw what ever was hurting me up.

I called Kaiser and another doctor recommended that I find a different program for my weight loss because she was suspecting a soy sensitivity. 

So the next day, I decided that I would eat some regular food. I was warned by the leader of my group not to do this. I would become horribly sick and might even need hospital care. But I figured at this point, I had zero f***s to give. 

I had a sandwich from my favorite deli. And unexpectedly, I felt so much better. 

I wasn't sure how to safely go from the program to eating normally again. I decided it would be better to wean myself off. So for the next few days, I did just that. I mixed real food with the program food.

And the pain returned....3 more times. One day, I threw up in my driveway while on the phone to Kaiser trying to schedule an appointment. The next day, I dismissed my students a minute early so I could throw up in a staff bathroom. 

I had wondered if it was the FiberCon (a bulk laxative) and the Miralax that ruined the good bacteria in my stomach. I was thinking probiotics would help me. 

But a new doctor was even more helpful. 

It was gastritis. My stomach lining was inflamed and the pain was from the stomach acid...it was heartburn but in my stomach. A month on Pepcid AC and probiotics should do the trick.

Because all healthy diets need a month of medication to recover from, right?

I officially quit the program. 

Then, I got my food sensitivity results back....and I was shocked. So much so that I thought I had been scammed.

None of the foods that made me sick were on that list. Not even soy. I couldn't understand it.

The real culprits?

Milk protein, carbonated drinks (which even when I quit soda, I switched to sparking water so I've had a carbonated drink everyday for the last 20 years), msg, aspartame, xyilitol, and the real shocker: gluten. 

I still think that much soy wasn't good for me but my food issues are starting to make sense now.

So where do I go from here?

I'm still going to move forward with my healthy lifestyle. I'm logging my food and keeping track of my calories on My Fitness Pal and tracking my exercise with my Fitbit. I had planned to meet with a nutritionist to help me navigate the incredibly long list of foods that I couldn't eat once I had gotten my results back but I think that's really not necessary at this point. 

So I'm learning about living gluten-free and gave up carbonated drinks. 

I read that the gluten could be affecting my body's ability to process dairy and my hope is that I don't have to give up dairy for very long but in the mean time, I'm going to try.

The nice thing about the Weight Management Program is that I've learned how to navigate the world while on a restricted diet. I can take that and apply it easily to a gluten-free lifestyle.

And I'm learning that there are so many foods out there that I can eat. Fruits and non-starchy vegetables. Lean meats....and I'm going to be totally fine. In fact, I tried gluten-free english muffins this morning at breakfast. I hear that they make gluten-free sourdough bread. So I can still have my favorite food: sandwiches.

So while I close one door on my road to a healthier lifestyle, it seems as though another one has opened. Imagine that.....a new adventure begins!

Halfway Through Phase 1!

I'm halfway through my medically supervised liquid diet. I've now finished 8 weeks.

For the 1st time in 5 years, I got on the scale and the number meant that I was below the BMI considering me morbidly obese. 

That's right, now I'm just obese! 

I've stayed on my plan this whole time, I haven't cheated, not even tastes, even though the desire is still there. And it may always be there. 

I've spent years eating what I've wanted (always feeling guilty about it though) and it's not going to go away any time soon. It may take years of focusing on my new habits. 

They say it takes 21 days to start a new habit. I call BS on that. I think it takes longer. I've been tracking my new habits in my bullet journal (bujo) starting from January about doing chores around my house. And if I'm not careful, I've noticed that despite 4 months now, I will still slip back into my old habits. I have to catch myself. Sticking to writing & tracking things in my bullet journal is a habit onto itself. I gave up in February/March last year and the years before that, I wasn't very consistent. So far this year, I have been but I catch myself not picking it up or tracking things every so often. 

A book they gave us on this program called Living Smart, calls this "drifting". We find ourselves drifting off our new habits and go back to our old ways. The authors suggest catching yourself within 3 days of drifting and bringing yourself back on your plan. They also suggest monitoring the heck of you progress and kudos to my bullet journal because it helps me do just that. 

Another thing I'm learning is that I don't know all that I thought I did.

For example: last night in class, we talked about cardio and heart rates. I remember learning about it in school and I have a heart rate monitor, my FitBit. When I've been walking, it tells me that I'm in fat burning mode, so I thought I was meeting my target heart rate. 

Turns out, I wasn't. There's a whole other level called cardio. So I used the formula, and figured out my target range (226 for females, minus age, divide by 3 & then multiply by 2) I seriously just thought I just didn't sweat that much when I work out. Today, I tried the elliptical machine and watched my heart rate hit that target range. Turns out, I do sweat. And I don't have to go as long as walking because I was working harder. 

And for the life of me, I do NOT know why I didn't know that. I think it was arrogance. I think I must have tuned out or skimmed that stuff because I thought I knew it already.

Which begs the question: what else don't I know about healthy stuff?

I'm also trying to figure out food plans. I don't want to do a specific diet especially because I actually don't like the diet that I am on. A high protein soy diet doesn't make me feel great. Yes, I'm losing weight but I'm only eating 1,120 - 1,280 calories a day. My body is dropping weight because of the difference between calories out and in. 

I don't think this is the plan my body will thrive on. I'm not going to quit or anything, I'm just not loving it. I'm glad I only have 8 more weeks on it.

I'm looking into food plans that make me feel great. Something I can sustain, not something you are supposed to do for a phase (like high protein diets). I'm thinking low calorie balanced meals, some plant based but not all the time. I'm also thinking it's time I start cooking actual meals...or rather when I get to eat regular food again. 

I'm starting to think about how I want my lifestyle to be after my program ends. I noticed foods from my travels and how I felt after I'd eat them: the food in Iceland was all organic and I noticed a big difference in my health after a week eating organic food, I loved the bread in Paris but never went overboard, plus it was so fresh that it didn't have crazy preservatives in it, I loved the savory tastes from Hungary, and the pistachio gelato in Rome. I'm a meat and potatoes kind of gal, but it can be leaner meat. And I have no clue yet what the food in Portugal, Spain, & Morocco will be like. 

What I would love to do is to take things that I loved about the food from my travels and apply them to my new healthier style of eating. 

We shall see where this all takes me.....I predict Pintrest.  

Truths About Dieting

I wasn't going to post about my "diet" this week, I wanted to post something else that was going on in my life. But I am not able to do that because my "diet" is all encompassing. 

It's present when I wake up (Gotta get some water in before I walk my dog), it's present at breakfast, throughout my work day, after my work day, at dinner, and before I go to bed. Is it time to eat next so I don't mess up my planned meals? Am I getting enough water in? How are my steps doing?

It's constantly present, this plan of mine. And while I don't hold it in contempt, I have to acknowledge  it's existence. It's there ALL OF THE TIME. 

The part I do resent is it's ability to ruin my day. Good results make me feel amazing. 'Yes! My hard work, my constant vigil, is paying off!' Bad results send me down a spiral. 'What more can I do? It's not like I can starve myself!' 

And my weigh in did not go so well last week and it sent me to a dark place. 

Because somewhere along the way, my self-worth became tied to the number on the scale. I labeled myself as being "bad" when I chose foods high in sugar and fat. I'm good when I eat a salad or punish myself eating a Lean Cuisine. (that analogy came from my friend, Lily - and damn, did she nail that one on the head!). But it's true. When we're bad, food becomes a punishment.

And fat becomes synonymous with ugly, undesirable, unworthy. Fat jokes are acceptable in any situation. It's our fault for being fat. How dare we take up space in an airplane seat, never mind, that the airlines have been purposely shrinking seats to cram more people in there to sell more tickets? The fault is entirely ours. 

So there I was, shaken to the core. I'm supposed to be losing more than what that scale said. I did the work. I did everything I was asked to do. Yet my body betrayed me. 

I am living this program 24 hours a day. And I didn't feel that I was seeing results. 

I still didn't give up. Because I couldn't, not with all these eyes on me. I didn't cheat either. Because I can't cheat without becoming horribly sick, as I've been warned. 

So I sat and cried. 

I sobbed. And I sobbed and then I realized I might be a bit hormonal too. Which would explain why this week didn't go so well.

So, I reached out to my family and went for a long walk the next day. I also reached out to my therapist that night too. Thank goodness I started therapy, otherwise, I doubt I would be so successful right now. I picked myself back up and took it one day at a time. 

And the next day was better. And the day after that.

And now the results are coming in. I bought myself flowers for hitting a new weight range and leaving my last one (increments of 10). I put my baggy pants in the donate pile (I JUST went up a jean size and seem to be leaving it). And the scale moved down to a 15 pound loss just today. 

I'm envious of people who don't define themselves by a number on a scale or by their food choices. I doubt I'll ever be one of those people.

BUT I am grateful that while I don't like all the extra folds on my body, I don't consider myself ugly. I'm grateful for being able to travel to other countries where body size isn't such a cultural thing. 

And I'm grateful that when I did go dark, it wasn't for very long.

Transformation Update #3

This might be my last transformation update for a bit now that I'm getting into the swing of things.

3 powdered shake flavors

I am finishing Week 3 of a 16 week medically supervised liquid diet. I haven't cheated, nor have I given up.

So, I had my first Med Check this week where I got to meet with my doctor and go over my latest blood work and also how I was doing on the program so far. I told her how my gut didn't know what to do with it's self and she told me that was common and recommended I start taking a fiber supplement. 

She also recommended I start taking vitamin D to help boost my metabolism. I know that I was hoping I would have lost more on the program but did she agree with that statement? I dunno, because I didn't ask. I meet again with her on Week 5, so I can ask her then.

I've settled into a routine with my eating on this program. I'm still needing someone to watch my class while I run to the bathroom a couple times a day and that's annoying but I am very grateful that people are willing to help me. 

Ready made shakes are an option

I went to the movies on Friday and that triggered me. (Captain Marvel - go see it!) I was at a fancy movie theater where you order food and servers bring it right to your seats. So I saw plates of yummy food keep going by me. I had thought picking a seat at the end was a smart idea in case I had to use the bathroom but the food was distracting.

I'm not use to denying myself food. This is a completely new idea to me, especially if the food is right there for the ordering! I think this is one of my issues as to my weight gain and this is something I will have to work through the rest of my life if I want to live a healthy lifestyle, cause trust me, I wasn't craving vegetables. 

Some of the bar options

Another new thing for me is exercise. I normally get 10,000 steps on the days I teach (plus walking Dakota) but on my days off, I don't move much. So I decided to go to the gym on Saturday and Sunday. I slept in, got in my gym clothes, drank a shake (that what the program says to do), worked out, had to drink another shake cause I was really hungry afterwards. 

I've lost over 10 pounds so far. I don't know if that is considered fast or slow on this program. I'll have to ask but there's really nothing more I can do to get better results. I'm staying on the plan, moving more, drinking more water, and I'm trying to get to bed earlier. My body is just gonna do what it can do at this point.

Some benefits so far: my clothes are looser in my midsection. I didn't take measurements and now I'm kinda regretting it because those results would be interesting. I'm also sleeping a lot better. My energy stays consistent throughout the day and I don't have crashes like I used to. All that energy is coming from me now. 

I can mix and match & have soup too
There's also a tomato flavor soup

I get hungry but a meal fills me up. I eat every couple of hours too, so when I get hungry it means that I just need to eat something. The only time I ignore my hunger is when I am going to bed. I don't feel like I'm starving myself at all. Depriving myself, sure but I'm not crying about it anymore. 

I've had several decades of treating myself or "living a little" and it's okay to take a break from that for a while. 

I'm glad I didn't go the surgical route and did something where I did something permanent to myself. This is temporary. This is resetting my body, my taste buds, my metabolism, and my habits. 

A month from now will be awesome but right now, it's kind of a boring phase. 

Transformation Update #2

I am on Day 13 of 112 on Phase One of my medically supervised liquid diet. I have not eaten anything outside of the program. I haven't cheated, not once.

I was told that the first two weeks on the program are the hardest. And I first thought that since the first week was so hard that week 2 would be a walk in the park.

Oh, I was young then! Okay, it was 5 days ago but still, so naive.

I went in for my weekly check in and to be honest, I was kinda bummed at the results. MY scale showed a 6.5 pound loss and my doctor's scale showed a 3.9 pound loss. Some people in my group lost 8 pounds but more people were in my range.

And I was bummed because with all that I had gone through, I wanted to lose so much more. Now, I know what you are saying, "But 6 pounds in one week is good!" or "You're just getting started, etc." And yes, I know. It took me years to put on this weight, it'll take some time to take it off.

It appears that I, myself, had some unrealistic expectations.

I also found out that I didn't need to be drinking that much water. I could count the water I was adding to the shakes. And my body was adjusting so I was as thirsty this week as the week before. I still drink a lot of water and need help with bathroom breaks during school hours, but I feel a little more balanced. 

But this week was hard in a way I wasn't expecting. Week 1 was about my body adjusting, whereas Week 2 was about my mind adjusting. And man, she is a b*tch!

So far on this plan, I eat every couple of hours and I am not hungry. So none of my issues came from needing to eat but I felt so deprived to the point of tears. I missed my soda, I missed food....bread, sandwiches...surprisingly NOT candy but baked goods like cupcakes and such. I didn't miss fast food but I missed steak and chicken. Oh, and chips....I missed meals. I had a dream where I shoved my mouth full of sourdough bread without realizing it, and asked myself, "What are the chances of this being a bar?" Oh, it was bread all right, and sourdough is my favorite. I even missed salads. 

I was resentful and sad. And to add insult to injury, my weight started fluctuating and I wasn't losing much if anything. 

I don't care that I shouldn't weight myself everyday...that was the ONE thing I was looking forward to on this plan was seeing those numbers go down and my scale betrayed me! BETRAYED I say!

What was I doing all this for!?! 

Oh, there were tears. There was doubt. There was me questioning if illegal speed was simply getting a bad rap and maybe I should have gone that route. 

But I didn't give up. Instead, I looked to what I could add to my diet that was on the list like: zero calorie sparkling water or Hint water. I found out that I could add Mrs. Dash to my soups to improve the flavor. I could even drink diet sodas if I wanted to but I want to move away from sodas so I stayed away from that. But the other drinks seem to help. 

No, I didn't give up. The scale has started to trickle down. 

I just hope this works.

One issue that I am having is that this high protein diet is really messing up my gut. I meet with the doctor in a couple of days for my first Med Check and I am going to seriously talk to her about adding some fiber to my diet. I hope my tummy issues is why I wasn't losing much weight this week. 

I was pretty active this week, I hit 10,000 steps every day but the weekend because I'm a teacher and trust me, we move a lot.

I have to be okay with the fact that my process might be slower than expected. I might not lose the 70 to 80 pounds within that time frame. It may take me longer. And even if I was 50 pounds lighter for my trip this summer, that's still amazing. I have to stop comparing myself to others. Some people are going to lose more than me and I just need to be happy for them.

Mother f***ers.

Transformation Update #1

It's Day 5 of my 112 day medically supervised liquid diet. And I have been following it to the letter, I haven't cheated once on it.

My cabinets are completely empty and my fridge is bare as well. I found it therapeutic to clean everything out. One of my goals during this time is to reframe my relationship with food and I'm looking at this time as a reset for my body, so it will be nice to add things to my shelves when it's time to start over. 

Confession: I did keep some canned tuna that isn't going to expire until 2021. I figured in case of an earthquake it would be good to keep some food on hand and when I reintroduce food, tuna isn't going to be a food I avoid. And I'm saving some champagne for Day 113.

I found that when Day 1 came, I was mentally ready to start. I thought I was physically ready but after decades of eating junk food and sugar daily, there's no preparing for that! I have a great support system with my friends & family and my coworkers have really helped me out (more on that later). I think my mom may have some unrealistic expectations with this program though, she mentioned me being able to go out and buy clothes from different stores. I don't think she realizes that I'm still going to be fat, I just won't be as fat. And yes, I say fat because fat doesn't mean ugly. I love my curves, I just want to be closer to 200 pounds than 300 pounds. And I have a lot of weight to lose right now.

So back to Day 1...I find that I'm eating constantly, so I haven't been hungry. It's a high protein diet and high protein seems to really fill me up (good to remember when I can eat real food again!). So being hungry isn't an issue. I had already stopped drinking soda a few days before and was cutting down my sugary drinks. I figured that would help.

The real issue that first day was the 10 glasses of water that I have to drink daily. If I don't hit that water goal, the high protein will work against me. But drinking 10 glasses of water when you aren't very good about drinking water means your bladder goes into overdrive. And as a teacher, I cannot leave my students unattended. Teacher Bladder is a real thing. We can hold it like no other. Which also means we are susceptible to urinary tract infections. 

But I couldn't hold it! I get 2 chances a day to use the facilities during a school day: recess and lunch but I needed MORE. So my coworkers stepped in and watched my class while I ran down the hall...multiple times a day. Some of my students commented on my having to use the bathroom a lot. I hope that balances out a bit more. I'm trying not to drink so much water during the day and guzzling it after school but I'm on a liquid diet, it's not gonna work like that. I think after this experience, I'll buy the ladies in the office flowers or something nice. 

And speaking of a liquid diet: it seems some bodies have difficulty adjusting to a liquid diet and might have tummy trouble. I am one of those people. I was sick the first day. I had a meeting after school at another site. I stood in the parking lot and said, "NOPE!" and then went home for the afternoon. 

Thankfully, my body adjusted to that aspect rather quickly, so every day felt better than the first.

And then Day 2 brought the sugar withdrawal. It started at the end of Day 1 but on Day 2 I woke up with a headache that stayed with me all day. My morning tea didn't help. I thought I was going through a caffeine withdrawal but the tea should have made a difference and it didn't. Plus, I've had caffeine headaches before and I didn't want to cry for no reason or totally lack any energy in the afternoon and evening. No, my friends, this was a sugar withdrawal. 

I also noticed I was feeling a little woozy or dizzy....when I was walking down the hall towards the end of the day, the office seemed to shift off it's foundation as I was heading towards it. But that felt kind of fun, like something almost pleasant so I figured I was fine.

By Day 3 I was feeling better headache wise, my energy was still kind of low (my body is learning to use the energy she's stored instead of what I put in her mouth) and I was thinking about food. Like really wanting food but not the food I normally eat, not McDonalds, chips, or candy but things I never eat: I really wanted a grilled ham & cheese sandwich. I couldn't stop thinking about it, that if I ate that sandwich, all the happiness in the world could be mine. And dear lord, I freaking miss Dr. Pepper!

My old habits tried to creep up, like I went to go eat something before I had to remind myself that's not what I'm eating that day. 

Day 3 was also the day I had tickets to see Hamilton that night. I was so worried about my new bathroom crazy bladder that I decided I would drink my water earlier, then stop drinking water a few hours before the show. And that worked! A little too well because after the show, I felt dehydrated and all I wanted to do was to drink water, gallons and gallons of water. And I had a headache that went away as soon as I drank the water. And all of this was weird because I had already drank my 10 glasses, so my body should have been fine. But whatever, I didn't miss a second of Hamilton and that's all that counts. (It was so incredible by the way!!! I loved it!)

Days 4 & 5 (today) have been uneventful. I'm not as active on the weekend, so I'm making sure to try to fit in some extra walking. I sprained my ankle at work last week, so I can't get in too much walking but I try here and there. I'm tired and my energy is still down but my body feels like it's normaling out. There's hardly any tummy issues now or headaches.

I can't take certain medications only Tylenol for pain but I haven't been taking any of that either. I feel like this is all something I have to push through.

One other thing I've noticed is that I've been colder than normal. Like I need to walk around with a comforter wrapped around me and I'm not used to that.

So is it working? I'm not supposed to be weighing in....but I totally am. Yes, it's working. I've been seeing the scale go down a little bit every day. I'll post my weight loss for the week at the end of Week 1 (technically, it's Week 2 on the program but we didn't get our food that first week) and let you know how it's going. I know I'll start seeing the benefits soon of simply increasing my water, so that's cool. 

So for now, I'm signing off.

Transformation Commencing

Now that my insides are on a better to a more healthy lifestyle, I'd like my outside to start on that journey as well. 

And I want to ride a camel.

That sounds weird. 

This summer, one of my stops is in Morocco and I have an opportunity to ride a camel at sunset on the Moroccan desert. Camels are treated better than other tourist stops that involve animals and in fact, there is a group that can certify to the care and treatment of the camel, so having researched the animal's right of riding a camel and coming in the clear. I want to ride a camel at sunset in the Moroccan desert. 

But I'm a B-I-G woman. I feel that at this weight, me riding a camel would NOT be fair to that poor camel. 

So my goal is to lose weight.

Don't get me wrong, I love my curves and I in no way want to be Instagram model skinny. But I'm a little closer to 300 pounds than I care to be.

Over the years, I've done Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, tracked my food with My Fitness Pal and I haven't seen much success. 

Then one of my co-worker's started posting about her success. She lost something like 70 pounds in 20 weeks. 

It's a medically supervised weight loss program where you use meal replacements on a very strict daily calorie intake for 17 weeks. So it's pretty much a liquid diet. It's very intense where you constantly get checked by a doctor to make sure your body is handling everything okay. You meet for a class with your support group once a week and take classes for over a year in a behavior modification program focusing on healthy eating habits and exercise.

I heard about this program and instantly thought, "There's no way I would do that!" I mean, give up food? My soda? Candy bars? Fast food.....wait a minute....I was seeing a connection here.... 

But this program seemed too much. I even referred to it as "medically supervised anorexia". 

I even thought about my previous efforts and how I cheat all the time. I have sabotaged every effort I had ever made to lose weight.

And I have never done anything so restrictive.....I never restrict myself and food.....wait....oh dammit!

Doing this program would be hard and kinda of crazy. I'd need support....which I have and now that I was in a better head space, I knew I could absolutely do this. 

I don't avoid things simply because I've never tried it before. In fact, I make a point whenever I find myself using that as an excuse not to do something, I will stop and consider it. 

So I applied to the program. I got blood work and an EKG done just to see if I was healthy enough to attempt this. I got the okay and my doctor thinks I'd be a good candidate for it actually. She's expecting me to lose 70-80 pounds by my trip this summer. 

This week I am cleaning out cupboards, and preparing myself for the next few weeks. Next week, I start the meal replacements. My hair might start thinning due to rapid weight loss, my breath might smell from the shakes (I'm allowed sugar free gum & mints), I can still drink tea (I'm not a coffee drinker), but I might feel woozy the first few days, I might not be my happy self right away....parts of it might really suck.

But it's not surgery, and my hair would grow back.

I picture this like Andy Dufresne from Shawshank Redemption when he's going through the tunnel of filth and "came out clean the other end". 

Oh, I'll still be big, but so much lighter, in so many ways.

I freaking love the Shawshank Redemption. I've mentioned it several times on my blog before but I hate to leave something gross from it here....so I'll end with another quote that fits this moment, right now and somehow sums it up for me:

I find I'm so excited that I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at a start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.

The Weighting Game

I am tired of obsessing about my weight. I am tired of the constant battle between what I should be doing, what I am doing, and what I am not doing.

I have faced many obstacles to overcome in my life, but my greatest obstacle has been my weight. And what makes it even more delightful, is that my incredibly raw, heartbreaking journey is out there for everyone to see...and judge.

Oh, don't worry, I judge myself far more harshly than anyone else could.

I'm not writing this because I want pity or attention even. I've been wanting to write but felt that I haven't had much to write about because 1) I don't enjoy writing about my classroom and 2) if I'm not in my classroom, then I'm obsessing about my weight.

And who wants to read about that?

Then I figured, I'm a morbidly obese woman trying to lose weight. If I am successful, then it's a story. But the fact I haven't been successful after years of trying kinda makes it not so interesting a story.

I would love to tell you that something clicked in me and I suddenly became determined to lose this weight. I looked over and found my "why". For some, it's their kids, or another loved one....my why is that I don't want to be fat. It's completely selfish: I don't like being fat. It really sucks. 

Okay, I used the "f" word. Normally, people want to jump in and tell me that I'm still beautiful and try to make me feel better. Here's the funny thing: I don't actually think I'm ugly, I just think I'm fat and I don't like it. But I have days where I like my outfit, or my hair, or my makeup and I think I look pretty. I don't associate fat with ugliness. I can look at women of all sizes and think they are beautiful. So please don't think when I say that I am fat, I am also saying I am ugly. 

Some people might think that I am ugly. But they aren't seeing me. Granted, I don't like how people look through me or don't make eye contact with me. I think I must be lucky, being a pretty fat because I can't imagine how a homely person of my size would be treated. Ever since I dyed my hair blonde, people have seemed to notice me more and they are being nicer. I used to blend in the wall and people made a point not to look at me. I felt even more isolated from people. It's very lonely being obese.

And how people love to give me advice how to lose weight! I actually know how to lose weight and honestly, most advice isn't very accurate. Me eliminating one food item is not going to help a woman of my size...or doing anything that is "easy". 

Losing weight is freaking HARD. For me to lose weight I have to: completely change my food choices (like from scratch), write down everything I eat, count those calories (or points if I happen to be on Weight Watchers for the bazillionth time), not go over the calorie goal, drink 10+ glasses of water (bigger people need to drink more), plan my meals, exercise (making sure I mix up cardio with some strength training), get my 8 hours of sleep a night, and give up any junk/crap food like soda or sugar in the meantime.

Not only does the process suck, but I have to wait forever for the results. See, after a month of working on this every day, there won't be a very noticeable difference. That's another joy of obesity. I have to lose 10% of my weight before it's physically noticeable. So the more you weigh, the more you have to lose. I think it is very sweet when people notice that I have been making changes and they tell me that they can see the results already and they really can't. And because plus size clothing spans 20 pounds in one size, I can't even lose a dress size until I lose over 20 pounds (and most likely - closer to 30 pounds). 

I went to my doctor, to get help losing weight. I was referred to a weight loss surgeon. But I won't be taking that route. I'm actually only 15 pounds over the qualifying weight and my blood work came back that I have actually gotten healthier in the last year. And I'm okay with that, I want the freedom to try certain foods without it making me sick. Or having to obsess even more with what I eat. 

My doctor recommended I try Alli for weight loss. I was hesitant to try it, especially since some of the side effects could be messing your pants. And It Works has Fat Fighters which blocks some of the fat in a meal but doesn't have nasty side effects. But I tried the Alli.....and boy, was I sorry. It gave me a horrible headache for 4 days (I thought I was experiencing caffeine withdrawl until I realized I in no way drank that much soda!) and when I stopped taking it, I felt like I had food poisoning. I'll be sticking to my Fat Fighters, thank you very much! I don't take them regularly, so I should really start doing that.

Again with the shoulds! 

I hope that one day I can not obsess about my weight. I hope when I hit maintenance mode that diet and exercise will be such a habit, it's no longer the soul sucking annoyance it is today. And maybe I will have an inspirational story to tell after all! 

Me, as I am

In the meantime, I will just keep going....