Full Circle

Ten years ago, I left for an adventure teaching in rural Alaska. I stayed for 3 years. I experienced complete isolation, a completely new way of life, and found that I was stronger than I ever thought I could be.

I blogged that entire time. Every week if not more. It was my outlet to the world. It was how I handled my thoughts, my feelings...okay, through therapy I found that I avoid my feelings so it was really just a way for me to process my new life.

Then in 2013, I moved back to California. 

I had grown so much as a person and certainly as a teacher. 

And my blog suffered. I kept trying to reinvent it...but nothing stuck. I didn't really need my blog anymore. I would try a little of this or a little of that and it bothered me that I felt like I had nothing to say.

And now I find myself entering my third week in isolation during my "Shelter at Home" for this pandemic and I find myself with something to say:

I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE.

Oh, yes...it's not my first rodeo. 

The funny thing is that I struggled last week. I got into a funk. I managed to pull myself out and when asked by my friends & family how I did that....I dunno.

I just kind went back to my skills I learned in Alaska.

Full circle baby! Ten years later.

First things first. I had to acknowledge the suckiness of my situation. It doesn't matter that everyone else is going through the same thing. It's okay to feel the feelings. This sucks. It's not how I wanted this year to go. I was making amazing progress with my students. I created an incredible classroom culture and closing the school is not what was supposed to happen. 

I had to grieve. And it's okay for me to do that. I think people think it's a sign of weakness to have something bad happen and to stop and feel that before moving on.

Of course I'm gonna pick myself up and keep going. But if you fall on the road, isn't it completely okay to pause & check yourself for injuries? Fix the bloody knee and then continue on. That's not weakness....and I wish society stopped acting like it was.

Teachers especially. We act like nothing bothers us, then we close our doors and ugly cry. Stop it! It's okay to be bothered.

So after a few days of my feeling bad, I went to my outlets....movies, books, and fur babies! Those are my happy things. I tried to incorporate exercise but nope...that's not me for when I'm feeling down.

I also turned off notifications from work for 24 hours on my weekend. I love my coworkers but my phone has been blowing up constantly from parents & other teachers. Miss Ruark needed a break and I needed to set some boundaries. 

And now I'm processing my thoughts in a blog post. That is another outlet for me. Will anyone read this? As much as I am okay with no one reading it, I'm often surprised that people will read my stuff. I have a YouTube video about traveling to Europe when you're plus sized that has been viewed over 5,000 times. I figure, I'll put stuff out there and people who need it will find it...or not. You never know.

Will I keep posting? No clue...but I do feel the need to document my journey while I live through this historic moment. So probably.

It helped me before.