2017 ~ The Reflection

As it's the last night of 2017, I'd thought it'd be fitting to reflect on my adventures this year. If you meet me in person, and you me what I've been up to, my first response is, "Nothing much. I'm pretty boring."

Yeah, have I mentioned that I'm a total introvert and mostly socialize with different online communities?

Sleeping Beauty's Castle, Disneyland

Because really, 2017 had some good adventures. Here's a look back at this year:

*Disneyland ~ I spent my 40th birthday with my family in Disneyland. I wasn't expecting my family to join me but we were all heading down to LA for a family thing, so it just worked out that way. I was thrilled to enter my 40s walking through Sleeping Beauty's castle (one of my favorite places on the planet) with one of my favorite people on the planet (my niece) at my side. Ah-maze-ing.

*Snow day at Donner Lake ~ my brother, his wife, my niece, and my giant snow dog and I took my CRV up to spend the day in the snow. We walked around, took pictures, threw snowballs, Dakota took a snow bath, and had a picnic in my car. As we left, it started snowing...which turned into a storm that left one of my friends stranded right by where we were. We, however, beat the storm and had arrived safely at home by that time. 

Dakota giving himself a snow bath

*Field Trips ~ I went on two overnight field trips this year. I went to Fort Ross, California for an overnight trip with another 4th grade class. I had just decided to change grades and thought it would be a good idea to check it out. It was because I'm not going back again. But I also went to Coloma, Ca (which you can read about here) and that was a good trip. It was a 2 night trip but totally worth it.  

*Conferences ~ I went to one incredible conference and one that I didn't need to attend. The one that I didn't need to go to was about cochlear implants at Stanford University. It was a good conference but not for a 4th grade teacher. The conference was designed for parents who are just starting the journey of getting implants and what to expect in the coming years. Most of the children are under the age of 4 and it just didn't work for me. And even the sessions lead by the doctors didn't teach me anything. One doctor said, "Well, everyone here knows this part, so for the sake of time, let's move on." And I was the only person in the room who had no clue what he was talking about.

Halls of Stanford University

The other conference I attended was incredible and truly deserves it's own post because this conference took place at Columbia University in New York City. It was not only a great conference that I got so much out of but it was also an incredible adventure in the city with my sister-in-law. 

*New grade level ~ Changing what grade level I teach (kindergarten to 4th grade) has been a huge adventure. New curriculum, new classroom, new age group, and new teaching hours for me. I'm liking it a lot, it's not easy but I'm finding that I'm loving a lot about it. K was hard to teach. I had to teach how to be a student and then the foundation of reading, writing, and math. Now, we dive into deeper levels with all that stuff. The math was a little tricky but I think it's going okay. 

Alice in Wonderland statue in Central Park, NYC

*Books, books, and more books ~ This year, I read a ton of books! Okay, yes I'm introverted but I still do things. I spend time with my family, I walk my dog, I even went to the gym in 2017 (more than once!) but one thing I did was I stopped watching TV. I caught up on all my shows over the summer. I made a point to watch Game of Thrones and Last Week Tonight but other than that, I'll watch Youtube videos for a bit and then I read. And I read more than one book at a time (they have to be different genres so I can keep them straight) and BAM! I read over 100 books. Goodreads says I read 111 books but I DNFed (did not finish) 7 books and reread 3 books....so really, I read 107 books this year. I count audiobooks, children's chapter books, and graphic novels as books I've read because I just do. When I was working out, I was listening to an audiobook. Any road trips? I've got an audiobook. I even read with my students during our library time (that's when I read the chapter books) so my students will see me reading and I can keep up with the new level books that my students read. 

Some things to look forward to in 2018:

I've got my trip to Europe which I have blogged about in great detail here and here. I'm hoping for another Disneyland trip but I haven't planned one out. I'll be going to Coloma again at the end of 2018. I'd like to take my teardrop trailer out this year but I discovered that I don't like camping so maybe I'll just sell it. I dunno. 

I plan on continuing on my weight loss journey although my focus will be on getting in shape to handle all the walking I will be doing this summer. I do need to lose weight for 2019 because I'm going on a desert camel ride in Morocco and that would be cruel to the camel. 

I'm setting my reading goal at 100 books. I don't know if I'll make that but I can try.

I'm leaving the negative from 2017 behind and taking with me the good. Just as it should be. 

Happy New Year!

Diving into the past.....

My father and I don't agree on our politics. He's a Trump supporter and against unions. I am terrified of the violence and hate that stems from Trump's campaign and I am very active in my local teacher's association. After teaching up in Alaska without a union, I vowed never to teach anywhere where no one had my back. But that's a separate post I will save for another day....

And I don't need my father to agree with me. That's fine. 

You see, my father didn't raise me. My mother did. They split when I was 5. My father stayed in Connecticut and my mother moved back to California where she was from. Their story was an East Coast man meets a West Coast girl. What do you do when the story crumbles? Each person goes back to their coasts, licking their wounds. 

Most people think that I was born and raised in California. Not so, I was born in Connecticut and my parents moved back and forth from coast to coast having their babies along the coasts. They met and married in California, had me in Connecticut, my middle brother in California, and my baby brother in Maryland. Then it was back to California, where I was raised.

miss ruark in kindergarten

When I was six, my mother met my future step-father, Robert. He worked long, crazy hours and wasn't a strong presence in my childhood. But he's since retired and actually drove me to my oral surgery last week, waited 2 1/2 hours, drove me to the pharmacy, and then took me home. He's a good man.

But there's a whole chunk that I don't really refer to. I don't hide it because I'm not ashamed of it by any means...it hurts in a different way.

But more background is needed: my grandfather is wealthy. As in old money wealthy. But he comes from the beliefs that being given a large amount of money isn't a good thing. He believed that people should go out and make their own way. So when his daughters reached the age of 18, they were expected to leave his house, get a job, and start living their own life. He didn't think women needed an education, so he refused to pay for college. My mother never went to college.

When my mother left my father she had 3 kids ages 5 to 18 months, no education, no job, and nowhere to live. Her parents weren't an option. So, she went on welfare and rented a trailer in a trailer park in West Pittsburg before it became Bay Point. 

My father refused to support us. I've heard his different reasons over the years...he didn't have a job but he's also said that my mother left him to run back to her father, my grandfather. He expected my grandfather to support us.

My grandfather wasn't around much in my childhood. He didn't come in and rescue us. Someone else did.

After a year in the trailer park, my mother found out she was being evicted. We were going to move to the projects when my mother's new boyfriend (Robert) said that we could all come and live with him and his daughter. 

My mom learned a trade (medical transcription) and built up clients. She got herself off of welfare. We moved to Benicia. We weren't as poor as we were before but we never had a lot of money. I would say we were lower middle class. Instead of being able to afford a child getting the Star Wars Trilogy for Christmas, one year each of us got a movie and we put them together and shared. My movie was Star Wars: A New Hope. That's how we got presents like that. We'd get one big thing we wanted. 

My father sent gifts and called but he didn't pay child support. I didn't see him again until I was in the 3rd grade. Then he came out again the next year for a day. He was a "Disneyland Daddy". He would shower us with gifts and be super amazing and then disappear for long stretches. I saw him again when I was in high school. He was bad mouthing my mom to me and the boys so badly that the boys started being mean to my mother. I felt bad so a lot of the presents I picked out for my father to buy me were actually gifts I picked out for my mom. 

In stores, he never turned around when we called out, "Dad!" I started calling him by his given name just so he would know I was talking to him. I've never called a man Dad. If you notice, I never refer to him as my dad. 

me and my brothers around the time of the split

Dads are something special. Dads stay. Dads know you. Any man can be a father, but only a special man can be a Dad. I saw that on a card once, and it's brutal truth stuck with me.

I've tried to have a relationship with my father. There have been years where I didn't hear from him, both as a child and now as an adult. He told me once the reason he didn't call me on my 18th birthday was because he didn't have anything new to say. We really only connect through Facebook. My brothers don't have a relationship with him at this time. 

Lately, my father has been slamming my political posts on my page. It's been pissing me off. I saw a post on his page complaining about people on welfare....that was hard, doesn't he know his own children were living off of welfare? Has he forgotten? He posted that fathers and daughters are best friends for life on his page. But he didn't tag me or anything, or post it to my page. It was almost like it was for his friends to see it, to show what a good dad he is. 

Facebook is my only contact with my father and he's not making it easy. Acquaintances of mine will see his comments, see that he's my father, and think he's my dad.

So here's my truth. I need it out there. I don't want to hide it. My father was a dead beat dad who told me once that he wished my mom had gone after him and thrown him in prison for not paying child support because then he would have had the time to work on his novel. 

Not everyone has to agree with me. Not everyone has to support me. But he doesn't get to express himself on my posts. He has his own page for that. To pretend whatever thing he wants to pretend, and I leave it alone.

Geez, daddy issues much? 

Rules for Dating My Auntie Lala...

...according to my 7 year old niece!

Actually, I'm surprised that she was willing to agree that I should even date. She's actually quite against it. 

Here are her objections:

1) What if I want to sleep over?
2) You'll be out all the time, going on icky dates.

Basically, she is unwilling to share me.

I was reading Aziz Ansari's book 'Modern Romance' and I was discussing the book with my mother, while my favorite 7 year old was playing with her toys.

I told my mother that I was pretty sure at this point I'll never marry.

To which my niece replied, "And there's nothing wrong with THAT!" 

But then I asked, "Well, if I did get a boyfriend, what kind of guy should I get?"

And here is her list & reasonings: 

1) He'd have to be funny & like to have fun because I (Auntie Lala) am funny & like to have fun. So that makes sense.

2) He needs to like comic books. And by comic books, she means 'My Little Pony'. Yes, because her daddy likes 'My Little Pony' and once when she was wearing a 'My Little Pony' sweatshirt, a man told her that Rainbow Dash was his favorite. So, since guys like 'My Little Pony', my boyfriend would have to as well.

3) He doesn't have to like 'Doctor Who' because 'Doctor Who' is scary and gives her nightmares. He should like 'Star Wars though', because Auntie Lala likes 'Star Wars'.

4) He should have a job because that's what adults do.

5) He has to like big dogs and cats because of Dakota & Lola.

6) He can't live with his parents because only little kids do that.

7) He has to let her do what she (my niece) wants.

And there you have it. Those are the rules. 

Actually, looking over them, it's not a bad list. 

I imagine that when I bring a fella home to meet my family, it's not going to be my parents who he'll need to impress though. And since she's declared that she's only willing to share me with Dakota & Lola, good luck with that!*

*She was aware of a gentleman who liked me & asked me out on a date and when she met him, she glared at him when he walked away from us. Like seriously shot daggers at him with her eyes!

Enter The Year Of The Scary Age

Carrie Bradshaw from 'Sex And The City' had a scary age. This is the age where you start to feel old and you should have reached your goal of marriage & babies...or maybe just babies. In any case, when you hit your scary age, it should start a panic. They also said in the show that you'd regret not settling down by then. Like you somehow wasted your life.

Her scary age was 38. I thought that sounded like a reasonable scary age, so I chose the same age. I had decided that by the age of 38, I would be fit, be a mother, own my own house, and basically have my stuff together.

Visually, here's what I pictured:

A busy but loving wife & mother

I would look polished & professional

Of course, I'd also be a dedicated teacher

My house would be lovely, clean, & organized

Now, the only thing that I have accomplished on my list was to in regard to my teaching. That's what I have been thinking anyways. Until I really started thinking about my life.

First of all, I made the conscious decision to not purchase a home. Basically, I can't afford to buy a home here. And really the only thing I could afford anywhere in the Bay Area was a fixer-upper. Despite what the trolls in 'Frozen' might sing, a fixer-upper was not what I wanted. I had no desire to keep spending my money investing in my house that may or may not be in a good area.

I found a great little 1 bedroom house locally to rent. It's way bigger than my last house in Alaska, plus, it had a hook up for my very own washing machine & dryer. And since I don't own it, I don't have to worry about the up keep. Sure, the owners may decide to sell it or send me on my way any time they wish but I am a good tenant and they are okay with my giant dog. So hopefully I can stay here a while.

Which is another huge thing. When I came up with my scary age, I never knew that I would own a Giant Alaskan Malamute. I simply can't own fancy furniture. My furnishings are functional and from Ikea. They had to be, my dog sheds a great deal and he's not the most graceful dog around. I love my furniture though....

Plenty of room for a giant dog, cat, & myself!!

What's not pictured here is the cooling mat on the floor that Dakota sleeps on every night. The bed is mostly cat territory.

I have to have things that can be washed.....regularly. Because of moments like these:

He stole the pillows & blanket off the couch

Lola will climb on anything & anywhere!

He's a goof, but who could resist that face?

Another thing that I never foresaw was my traveling. Alaska, Iceland, and even owning my own little teardrop was something I had never planned on doing. I didn't know I was so adventurous. It was never part of my plan. Am I really supposed to be regretting moments like this?

Among the Giant Redwoods with my teardrop, my dog, & my niece!!!

A helicopter tour of the glaciers outside of Anchorage, Alaska with my mom

Staying warm teaching in Akiak, Alaska

The amazing Skógafoss waterfall in Iceland

So, obviously, my 30's have been awesome! I mean, not to brag or anything, but I why would I regret any of this? I'm way happier now than when I was in my 20's actively pursuing my goals of what I thought I needed before I was 38. And I did all this single and plus sized. And bottom line: I'm not ready for marriage or kids...not right now anyways.

But there's that nagging feeling...because there's more that I want to be. I've been lazy lately. My house is cluttered and needs a vacuuming, my eating habits are improving (I've cut out soda) but no where near healthy, I don't dress professionally every day, and if I exert myself too much, I feel like I am going to have a heart attack. Oh yeah, and I've got that Pre-Diabetic diagnosis to deal with. 

So I don't like that.....but it's up to me to change it. I've decided to take these last two years of my 30s and fix things....BUT incorporate where I have been and where I am going. I want to still travel, so I will make that happen. I also want to become healthier. The laziness will have to stop. I live like I am in my 20s....and that needs to stop for health reasons. The day I find the motivation to work on something I hate (exercise & eat right) will be an amazing day indeed. I think it's going to have to be a take it one day at a time sort of thing. I have issues with that.

The last thing that bothered me was how I dress at work. I want to be the kind of teacher who looks dressed up and professional. But let's face it: I get sneezed on, I'm down on the floor working with little ones, and some days I work with paint. It's the same reason my furniture is functional....my wardrobe has to be as well. I have stepped it up though. But I do still wear jeans. If you google images of kindergarten teachers, you won't see a suit. They look lovely and clean. That's good enough for me.

But, never fear, there are still going to be days like this one, just maybe not so many of them:  

Reading in bed....

Yes, I look forward to hitting my scary age in stride. I feel like I have a clean slate. Did I have a family? No. Did I have adventures? Oh my yes. Is this it for me? Oh hell no!

I am going to enjoy these last two years of my 30s....but I have to be honest, 40 doesn't sound that bad anymore!

The Graduate

Burned.....

That last text my brother sent me was a fake one.....

He got me.

I will know revenge!!!

My Dastardly Plans....

were foiled!!!

In honor of my baby brother's birthday, I posted a heartfelt birthday wish on Facebook. Then, I posted a baby picture of him, again, wishing him a happy birthday.

I saw him two days later for a birthday celebration at his house. 

He made a crack how he never received a text from me about his birthday.

"Didn't you see my TWO Facebook posts!?!" I asked incredulous. 

"What?" he snorted. "That doesn't count. Besides, you got that picture from my girlfriend. You didn't even scan that yourself."

I decided he was going to rue the day he complained about my birthday greetings. He wanted texts, then I would give him texts!

I think he's on to me....

Oh, he's so funny!

It's true, my other brother's birthday was the next day.

He's getting cocky now....

Wait! What!?!

He posted on Facebook that his phone was broken.

This completely ruins my plan. I was going to keep this up for months! Maybe even a whole year until his next birthday.

The beauty of this plan was in the long term...sure it was cute now, but in six months it was going to be epic. I had a reminder set on my phone to text him. This was going to be beautiful....and it's ruined. Ironically, by the very technology that I was using to prank my brother.

Sadness descends in the house of Miss Ruark.