The Weighting Game

I am tired of obsessing about my weight. I am tired of the constant battle between what I should be doing, what I am doing, and what I am not doing.

I have faced many obstacles to overcome in my life, but my greatest obstacle has been my weight. And what makes it even more delightful, is that my incredibly raw, heartbreaking journey is out there for everyone to see...and judge.

Oh, don't worry, I judge myself far more harshly than anyone else could.

I'm not writing this because I want pity or attention even. I've been wanting to write but felt that I haven't had much to write about because 1) I don't enjoy writing about my classroom and 2) if I'm not in my classroom, then I'm obsessing about my weight.

And who wants to read about that?

Then I figured, I'm a morbidly obese woman trying to lose weight. If I am successful, then it's a story. But the fact I haven't been successful after years of trying kinda makes it not so interesting a story.

I would love to tell you that something clicked in me and I suddenly became determined to lose this weight. I looked over and found my "why". For some, it's their kids, or another loved one....my why is that I don't want to be fat. It's completely selfish: I don't like being fat. It really sucks. 

Okay, I used the "f" word. Normally, people want to jump in and tell me that I'm still beautiful and try to make me feel better. Here's the funny thing: I don't actually think I'm ugly, I just think I'm fat and I don't like it. But I have days where I like my outfit, or my hair, or my makeup and I think I look pretty. I don't associate fat with ugliness. I can look at women of all sizes and think they are beautiful. So please don't think when I say that I am fat, I am also saying I am ugly. 

Some people might think that I am ugly. But they aren't seeing me. Granted, I don't like how people look through me or don't make eye contact with me. I think I must be lucky, being a pretty fat because I can't imagine how a homely person of my size would be treated. Ever since I dyed my hair blonde, people have seemed to notice me more and they are being nicer. I used to blend in the wall and people made a point not to look at me. I felt even more isolated from people. It's very lonely being obese.

And how people love to give me advice how to lose weight! I actually know how to lose weight and honestly, most advice isn't very accurate. Me eliminating one food item is not going to help a woman of my size...or doing anything that is "easy". 

Losing weight is freaking HARD. For me to lose weight I have to: completely change my food choices (like from scratch), write down everything I eat, count those calories (or points if I happen to be on Weight Watchers for the bazillionth time), not go over the calorie goal, drink 10+ glasses of water (bigger people need to drink more), plan my meals, exercise (making sure I mix up cardio with some strength training), get my 8 hours of sleep a night, and give up any junk/crap food like soda or sugar in the meantime.

Not only does the process suck, but I have to wait forever for the results. See, after a month of working on this every day, there won't be a very noticeable difference. That's another joy of obesity. I have to lose 10% of my weight before it's physically noticeable. So the more you weigh, the more you have to lose. I think it is very sweet when people notice that I have been making changes and they tell me that they can see the results already and they really can't. And because plus size clothing spans 20 pounds in one size, I can't even lose a dress size until I lose over 20 pounds (and most likely - closer to 30 pounds). 

I went to my doctor, to get help losing weight. I was referred to a weight loss surgeon. But I won't be taking that route. I'm actually only 15 pounds over the qualifying weight and my blood work came back that I have actually gotten healthier in the last year. And I'm okay with that, I want the freedom to try certain foods without it making me sick. Or having to obsess even more with what I eat. 

My doctor recommended I try Alli for weight loss. I was hesitant to try it, especially since some of the side effects could be messing your pants. And It Works has Fat Fighters which blocks some of the fat in a meal but doesn't have nasty side effects. But I tried the Alli.....and boy, was I sorry. It gave me a horrible headache for 4 days (I thought I was experiencing caffeine withdrawl until I realized I in no way drank that much soda!) and when I stopped taking it, I felt like I had food poisoning. I'll be sticking to my Fat Fighters, thank you very much! I don't take them regularly, so I should really start doing that.

Again with the shoulds! 

I hope that one day I can not obsess about my weight. I hope when I hit maintenance mode that diet and exercise will be such a habit, it's no longer the soul sucking annoyance it is today. And maybe I will have an inspirational story to tell after all! 

Me, as I am

In the meantime, I will just keep going....

Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall.....

I've had a break through of sorts.....

Double Take Tote

I bought a new bag.......through my Thirty-One business....and this bag has changed everything. You know the saying a new pair of shoes can change your life? Well, so can a new bag...kinda.

This bag is a tote that normally is not my style. It's sleek & sophisticated. And lately, I am not. I am comfort & baggy. Some days possibly even frumpy.

But I wanted this bag. So I got it. I had no idea what I was going to use it for but nonetheless, this was going to be my bag. I had it monogrammed. I have never had anything monogrammed...that's so not me.

But this bag is amazing. But the problem is.....I don't match the bag. But I wanted to match this bag. I wanted to be stylish. I wanted to up the way I dress.

So, I decided to invest in some new clothes....new work clothes. And I decided to start dressing better. I went online to research what was going on in the world of plus size fashion because I was trying to hide the size of my curves and I was just looking frumpy. 

Turns out, a plus size fashion blog I read said to accentuate your curves & not to hide them. I stood in the mirror and took a good look. Instead of looking to criticize, I looked at my shape and found something beautiful.

I have an hour glass shape. My waist is always smaller than my hips and shoulders. And no matter how big I have gotten, my waist has stayed smaller. But I was hiding my smaller waist. I was hiding my hourglass! Because I hated my stomach.....but really, I love that hourglass! It makes me feel sexy & curvy....it makes me feel better about myself. 

I vowed to hide it no longer!

I found a couple of websites for plus sizes that I felt were cute and complimented me and my style....kicking it up a notch but showing off my hourglass. 

I haven't lost any weight but when I wear those new clothes, not only do I feel better in them, but I get so many compliments.....and I have been getting more door held open for me too! I feel better about myself. I don't feel fat & frumpy.....I feel womanly & curvy. 

Dangerous Curves Ahead!

Not only do I match my bag...but I feel like I match me.

Some lessons I've learned from this:

1) Loving one part of my body has made me appreciate other things about my body & looks.

2) Dressing to show off my shape actually made me feel better

3) I didn't have to lose weight to feel better about myself

4) Investing money in some new clothes is a good thing

I still want to lose weight but it's not because I want to look better anymore. Cause I already do!

Cheers!

Poised for a Comeback....

I know, I never write anymore. I don't know why that is but I am hoping to change that.

Basically, where I am today, right at this moment, is ready for a comeback.

But not just with writing. My 30 Day Challenge fizzled......and I got some news from my doctor that I am prediabetic. 

So here I sit, closer to 300 pounds than I ever thought possible and heading for a disease that I pretty much gave myself. My self-esteem is at an all time low.....is this my rock bottom?

The positive spin on all this is that I have the power to change. I haven't had the will power yet but I noticed a difference in my thinking today that wasn't there before.

In the past, when I have decided to eat healthier, it's really boiled down to looks. I wanted to look better. Sure, more energy would be great but I don't think being skinnier is really going to change who I am on the inside. It's really all about vanity. And I could always start that journey tomorrow.

Until I found out that my inside does need changing. I don't want diabetes. I don't want something I did to myself like that. 

And for the first time ever, today when I wanted a soda or a sweet (and trust me, I always want a soda and/or a sweet.) My brain said, "DIABETES!". And I held off. 

Some very supportive friends have asked me, "Well, how do you know you have prediabetes? Did you get this test ______? Some tests are better than the basic glucose one."

But you know what, I'd rather not test out of a healthy range on any test. I am not healthy. I don't need medication, my levels are low enough to be in the very early stages and that is good enough for me. 

It's no longer a vanity issue. It's no longer something I can start tomorrow or at the start of the week, or the month.....I don't want diabetes. 

So, I started a new adventure today. Just focusing on sugar....that's my start. I am hoping down the road I will have made a full switch to a clean eating lifestyle...but a journey starts with a single step, right?

The exercising will need to start again as well. But I want to focus on getting my classroom ready for Back to School next week. But I look at my Mighty Dakota and he sure would love to get out of the house more....so many starting with an extra walk would be a good place to start.

Cheers!

30 Day Challenge ~ Exercise Edition

I am sore from yesterday's workout. But it's a good sore.

Today, I wanted to talk about what I am doing for exercise. I have tried so many things but I really like what I am doing now. 

Back in December, a friend of mine suggested I try Crossfit. She thought it would be a good match for me. It was hard core and the people there are very supportive. I liked the idea of doing something physically hard and challenging, so I signed up for the beginning lessons. I went to Crossfit707 in Benicia. They didn't have a group beginning program going on (called On Ramp), so I took some private lessons.

And I loved it! My trainer, Justin, was so amazing. It was hard, so very hard, but I was amazed at how strong I really was. My "I can't do this!" were turning into "I can do more...." and after each session, I felt empowered and so much stronger than I thought possible. 



I loved that Justin was so proper with me but one time, he wasn't and I will treasure that moment. I was attempting to do a modified box jump and it was so hard, I was jumping and Justin was cheering me on so hard & loud, he started shouting, "Go baby! You got this sh*t!" And then I almost threw up, but I loved it.

My two weeks were finished and I completed my personal On Ramp program. I was ready to join the main group for workouts. And that's when I had problems. Crossfit is a super supportive group, if you aren't finished working and are struggling, they will cheer you on until you finish your set. I fell behind running and three people turned around to run with me. You are part of a team and they will be there for you.

And that was my problem. I actually needed to walk because the running was too much for me. I felt like I stood out too much. I had 7 or 8 people come up to me to tell me I was doing great. And that is so kind but I needed to be invisible. I was too self-consious about myself to attract that much attention. I wanted/needed to blend in. I started to get anxious about attending classes and I just stopped going. 

I know there are some Crossfit haters out there, but I am not one of them. In fact, my brother is interested in trying Crossfit and I think he would do very well. It's not for everyone but if you like being strong and working with a group, then Crossfit707 is a great place for you! I have a friend who started going and he completely transformed himself: mind, body, & soul. I have nothing bad to say about Crossfit, it just wasn't for me.

So, I struggled....I bought some equipment to use at home, seeing as the group thing and working out in front of people didn't work for me. 

Then another friend asked me to be her workout buddy and take classes at Training Loft 714 in Benicia. They offer cardio kickboxing classes, sculpting classes, TRX classes, and yoga classes. At first, I said that I didn't want to take classes. But she asked me to just stop by and see the place with her. So I did and I met Denise. 

One thing that really impressed me in talking with Denise is that she knew her stuff. She has worked with several very overweight women who have transformed themselves with her. Her classes are tough, and they will kick your butt. But I thought I would go ahead and give a class a try. The first class was free to check out and I have always wanted to take a kickboxing class. 

I am not a big sweater. I will sweat when I workout but nothing too bad. Let me tell you, in Denise's classes, I sweat more than I thought was possible. After the first class, my legs & arms were sweating....I didn't know legs & arms sweat! I had sweat dripping off my face onto the ground, and when I was doing some ab exercises, some sweat ran into my ear. Ewww!

The studio is designed for working out barefoot. And I have always loved working out barefoot but the DVDs always say you need comfortable shoes. So I love that these workouts are on mats so shoes aren't necessary. 

I have only done the hour Cardio Kickboxing class and the Sculpt Fusion class. The sculpting one is a half hour of cardio and then a half hour of sculpting with hand weights. 

And I blend in! Everyone is so busy trying to keep up and focus on their form that no one is watching me! There are people of all sizes working out. I do notice smaller women struggle to keep up just as much as I do (some worse than me, I am lucky my dance experience helps me keep the rhythm a little easier at times). 

I love it when I go but I still struggle with the showing up part of it. Once I show up, everything's good  but I have to push myself to show up. My workout buddy can't make it as often as I would like so I have to push myself harder. But that's why I put it into my 30 Day Challenge....and Day 1 went great and Day 2 is looking to be the same!

30 Day Challenge

I am going to be frightfully honest right now: I don't have a support system for my weight loss goals. I can stuff my face and ditch the gym and I will not hear a single word about it. 

Don't get me wrong, I have people who will tell me "Good job!" when I am on track. But my problem is that I am rarely on track. And that is what I really need to work on: how can I stay on track?

So I have to look at myself, my strengths and weaknesses. If I try to do something that is not in my nature, like an online support group, as great as that group may be, it's not going to work for me.

So, that being said, what are some things I thrive on? Doing something "crazy" that not a lot of other people would enjoy ~ yes. Publicly challenging myself ~ I was very successful when I attempted a 28 day food challenge. 

And so I have decided to challenge myself for 30 days and blog about it. Because I need to be successful and I feel this plays to my strengths (vanity a strength? when you need to lose weight, it is!)

I have weighed and measured myself (which I am NOT posting online) but here are the rules of my challenge, keeping in mind that I have a camping trip and a trip to a Thirty-One Conference in Denver planned.

30 Day Challenge ~ Phase 1

* Exercise Every Day: When I am home, this means attending my gym (killer cardio kickboxing classes!) 5x a week and doing yoga 2x a week. When I am traveling: I can hike or use the pool/gym at the hotel. 

* No fast food, and no ordering pizza! I will allow myself a few slices when I am at a pizza parlor as long as I have a salad as well. When I am traveling, I will either pre-plan my snacks and/or choose healthy options like fruit, nuts, or protein bars if needed.

* No soda. I will replace soda with iced tea and crystal light. I will get my caffeine from tea and not soda or Starbucks (not that I drink a lot of coffee but when I do, it's loaded with bad stuff)

* No candy bars, cookies, or cupcakes. I will allow myself a reasonable dessert (paying attention to portion size & calories) but those big 3 items I tend to eat when I am not hungry and they are just bad.

* Water ~ I will drink a minimum of 3 bottles a day (I have several different types, it doesn't matter to me what type but I have to go through 3.)

Since I don't really have issues with bread or chips (as long as I don't buy them, I don't crave them), I didn't feel the need to put them into the challenge. I am attempting to eat cleaner and make healthier choices but this is my challenge. 

I intend to post updates regularly about how the challenge is going, especially when I am traveling. At the end of 30 days, I will post how many pounds & inches I have lost. 

Day 1 Starts Today!