The Weighting Game

I am tired of obsessing about my weight. I am tired of the constant battle between what I should be doing, what I am doing, and what I am not doing.

I have faced many obstacles to overcome in my life, but my greatest obstacle has been my weight. And what makes it even more delightful, is that my incredibly raw, heartbreaking journey is out there for everyone to see...and judge.

Oh, don't worry, I judge myself far more harshly than anyone else could.

I'm not writing this because I want pity or attention even. I've been wanting to write but felt that I haven't had much to write about because 1) I don't enjoy writing about my classroom and 2) if I'm not in my classroom, then I'm obsessing about my weight.

And who wants to read about that?

Then I figured, I'm a morbidly obese woman trying to lose weight. If I am successful, then it's a story. But the fact I haven't been successful after years of trying kinda makes it not so interesting a story.

I would love to tell you that something clicked in me and I suddenly became determined to lose this weight. I looked over and found my "why". For some, it's their kids, or another loved one....my why is that I don't want to be fat. It's completely selfish: I don't like being fat. It really sucks. 

Okay, I used the "f" word. Normally, people want to jump in and tell me that I'm still beautiful and try to make me feel better. Here's the funny thing: I don't actually think I'm ugly, I just think I'm fat and I don't like it. But I have days where I like my outfit, or my hair, or my makeup and I think I look pretty. I don't associate fat with ugliness. I can look at women of all sizes and think they are beautiful. So please don't think when I say that I am fat, I am also saying I am ugly. 

Some people might think that I am ugly. But they aren't seeing me. Granted, I don't like how people look through me or don't make eye contact with me. I think I must be lucky, being a pretty fat because I can't imagine how a homely person of my size would be treated. Ever since I dyed my hair blonde, people have seemed to notice me more and they are being nicer. I used to blend in the wall and people made a point not to look at me. I felt even more isolated from people. It's very lonely being obese.

And how people love to give me advice how to lose weight! I actually know how to lose weight and honestly, most advice isn't very accurate. Me eliminating one food item is not going to help a woman of my size...or doing anything that is "easy". 

Losing weight is freaking HARD. For me to lose weight I have to: completely change my food choices (like from scratch), write down everything I eat, count those calories (or points if I happen to be on Weight Watchers for the bazillionth time), not go over the calorie goal, drink 10+ glasses of water (bigger people need to drink more), plan my meals, exercise (making sure I mix up cardio with some strength training), get my 8 hours of sleep a night, and give up any junk/crap food like soda or sugar in the meantime.

Not only does the process suck, but I have to wait forever for the results. See, after a month of working on this every day, there won't be a very noticeable difference. That's another joy of obesity. I have to lose 10% of my weight before it's physically noticeable. So the more you weigh, the more you have to lose. I think it is very sweet when people notice that I have been making changes and they tell me that they can see the results already and they really can't. And because plus size clothing spans 20 pounds in one size, I can't even lose a dress size until I lose over 20 pounds (and most likely - closer to 30 pounds). 

I went to my doctor, to get help losing weight. I was referred to a weight loss surgeon. But I won't be taking that route. I'm actually only 15 pounds over the qualifying weight and my blood work came back that I have actually gotten healthier in the last year. And I'm okay with that, I want the freedom to try certain foods without it making me sick. Or having to obsess even more with what I eat. 

My doctor recommended I try Alli for weight loss. I was hesitant to try it, especially since some of the side effects could be messing your pants. And It Works has Fat Fighters which blocks some of the fat in a meal but doesn't have nasty side effects. But I tried the Alli.....and boy, was I sorry. It gave me a horrible headache for 4 days (I thought I was experiencing caffeine withdrawl until I realized I in no way drank that much soda!) and when I stopped taking it, I felt like I had food poisoning. I'll be sticking to my Fat Fighters, thank you very much! I don't take them regularly, so I should really start doing that.

Again with the shoulds! 

I hope that one day I can not obsess about my weight. I hope when I hit maintenance mode that diet and exercise will be such a habit, it's no longer the soul sucking annoyance it is today. And maybe I will have an inspirational story to tell after all! 

Me, as I am

In the meantime, I will just keep going....