Full Circle

Ten years ago, I left for an adventure teaching in rural Alaska. I stayed for 3 years. I experienced complete isolation, a completely new way of life, and found that I was stronger than I ever thought I could be.

I blogged that entire time. Every week if not more. It was my outlet to the world. It was how I handled my thoughts, my feelings...okay, through therapy I found that I avoid my feelings so it was really just a way for me to process my new life.

Then in 2013, I moved back to California. 

I had grown so much as a person and certainly as a teacher. 

And my blog suffered. I kept trying to reinvent it...but nothing stuck. I didn't really need my blog anymore. I would try a little of this or a little of that and it bothered me that I felt like I had nothing to say.

And now I find myself entering my third week in isolation during my "Shelter at Home" for this pandemic and I find myself with something to say:

I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE.

Oh, yes...it's not my first rodeo. 

The funny thing is that I struggled last week. I got into a funk. I managed to pull myself out and when asked by my friends & family how I did that....I dunno.

I just kind went back to my skills I learned in Alaska.

Full circle baby! Ten years later.

First things first. I had to acknowledge the suckiness of my situation. It doesn't matter that everyone else is going through the same thing. It's okay to feel the feelings. This sucks. It's not how I wanted this year to go. I was making amazing progress with my students. I created an incredible classroom culture and closing the school is not what was supposed to happen. 

I had to grieve. And it's okay for me to do that. I think people think it's a sign of weakness to have something bad happen and to stop and feel that before moving on.

Of course I'm gonna pick myself up and keep going. But if you fall on the road, isn't it completely okay to pause & check yourself for injuries? Fix the bloody knee and then continue on. That's not weakness....and I wish society stopped acting like it was.

Teachers especially. We act like nothing bothers us, then we close our doors and ugly cry. Stop it! It's okay to be bothered.

So after a few days of my feeling bad, I went to my outlets....movies, books, and fur babies! Those are my happy things. I tried to incorporate exercise but nope...that's not me for when I'm feeling down.

I also turned off notifications from work for 24 hours on my weekend. I love my coworkers but my phone has been blowing up constantly from parents & other teachers. Miss Ruark needed a break and I needed to set some boundaries. 

And now I'm processing my thoughts in a blog post. That is another outlet for me. Will anyone read this? As much as I am okay with no one reading it, I'm often surprised that people will read my stuff. I have a YouTube video about traveling to Europe when you're plus sized that has been viewed over 5,000 times. I figure, I'll put stuff out there and people who need it will find it...or not. You never know.

Will I keep posting? No clue...but I do feel the need to document my journey while I live through this historic moment. So probably.

It helped me before.

Program Update: I Quit!

Okay, maybe that's not what you were expecting but hear me out: I quit for legitimate reasons.

Throughout the two and half months that I was on the program, I wasn't feeling well. My stomach was always uncomfortable, like my food was just sitting there like a weight. My whole GI tract was off.

And I would mention this every time I saw the doctor. At first, she recommended FiberCon for a fiber supplement...every day. And I started to feel a little better, but then I wouldn't. Every doctor appointment was the same, me saying I wasn't feeling very well, me defending myself that I was actually following the plan, her recommending more water or sleep. She told me that the high protein diet was just hard to digest for some people. 

And it went on like this. I figured since she was the doctor, she knew more than me. I was following everything on the plan...I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing. I was losing weight but I didn't feel any different. No extra energy, and I certainly didn't feel lighter. 28 pounds felt just the same as before except my symptoms were getting worse. 

Until the week I didn't lose any weight because I was so bloated and felt so heavy. I stood up for myself at the doctor's, I vented my frustration, I needed to make her understand that something was not right. And even though I was going to the bathroom every day, she recommended a gentle laxative for the next 7-10 days.

Because all healthy diets need laxatives, right?

I went to my group right after the doctor's visit and expressed my frustration. I was told to listen to my "jams" to pick up my mood and try to be more positive. I actually felt betrayed & offended by that comment. I had been so dedicated to this program and it was making me sick....and as long as the scale was going down, no professional seemed to care.

So the day after the doctor & the group, I sent some hairs in to an independent company to test me for food intolerances. At this point, I was convinced I had a sensitivity to soy. 

Every single meal product I had been eating 7-8 times a day was soy based. I had noticed my skin was breaking out and my time of the month was much more hormone induced. Soy increases your estrogen levels I had read and I knew that too much of anything wasn't good for you, and a soy intolerance would make sense.

I also followed the doctor's directions and took Miralax and stayed on program.

I did so again the next day...and that's when all hell broke loose.

Keep in mind that there is no bathroom story in this tale. 

Because the intense pain that occurred was in my stomach. It was my upper GI that was affected. I was doubled over in pain on my bathroom floor because I was trying to throw what ever was hurting me up.

I called Kaiser and another doctor recommended that I find a different program for my weight loss because she was suspecting a soy sensitivity. 

So the next day, I decided that I would eat some regular food. I was warned by the leader of my group not to do this. I would become horribly sick and might even need hospital care. But I figured at this point, I had zero f***s to give. 

I had a sandwich from my favorite deli. And unexpectedly, I felt so much better. 

I wasn't sure how to safely go from the program to eating normally again. I decided it would be better to wean myself off. So for the next few days, I did just that. I mixed real food with the program food.

And the pain returned....3 more times. One day, I threw up in my driveway while on the phone to Kaiser trying to schedule an appointment. The next day, I dismissed my students a minute early so I could throw up in a staff bathroom. 

I had wondered if it was the FiberCon (a bulk laxative) and the Miralax that ruined the good bacteria in my stomach. I was thinking probiotics would help me. 

But a new doctor was even more helpful. 

It was gastritis. My stomach lining was inflamed and the pain was from the stomach acid...it was heartburn but in my stomach. A month on Pepcid AC and probiotics should do the trick.

Because all healthy diets need a month of medication to recover from, right?

I officially quit the program. 

Then, I got my food sensitivity results back....and I was shocked. So much so that I thought I had been scammed.

None of the foods that made me sick were on that list. Not even soy. I couldn't understand it.

The real culprits?

Milk protein, carbonated drinks (which even when I quit soda, I switched to sparking water so I've had a carbonated drink everyday for the last 20 years), msg, aspartame, xyilitol, and the real shocker: gluten. 

I still think that much soy wasn't good for me but my food issues are starting to make sense now.

So where do I go from here?

I'm still going to move forward with my healthy lifestyle. I'm logging my food and keeping track of my calories on My Fitness Pal and tracking my exercise with my Fitbit. I had planned to meet with a nutritionist to help me navigate the incredibly long list of foods that I couldn't eat once I had gotten my results back but I think that's really not necessary at this point. 

So I'm learning about living gluten-free and gave up carbonated drinks. 

I read that the gluten could be affecting my body's ability to process dairy and my hope is that I don't have to give up dairy for very long but in the mean time, I'm going to try.

The nice thing about the Weight Management Program is that I've learned how to navigate the world while on a restricted diet. I can take that and apply it easily to a gluten-free lifestyle.

And I'm learning that there are so many foods out there that I can eat. Fruits and non-starchy vegetables. Lean meats....and I'm going to be totally fine. In fact, I tried gluten-free english muffins this morning at breakfast. I hear that they make gluten-free sourdough bread. So I can still have my favorite food: sandwiches.

So while I close one door on my road to a healthier lifestyle, it seems as though another one has opened. Imagine that.....a new adventure begins!

Halfway Through Phase 1!

I'm halfway through my medically supervised liquid diet. I've now finished 8 weeks.

For the 1st time in 5 years, I got on the scale and the number meant that I was below the BMI considering me morbidly obese. 

That's right, now I'm just obese! 

I've stayed on my plan this whole time, I haven't cheated, not even tastes, even though the desire is still there. And it may always be there. 

I've spent years eating what I've wanted (always feeling guilty about it though) and it's not going to go away any time soon. It may take years of focusing on my new habits. 

They say it takes 21 days to start a new habit. I call BS on that. I think it takes longer. I've been tracking my new habits in my bullet journal (bujo) starting from January about doing chores around my house. And if I'm not careful, I've noticed that despite 4 months now, I will still slip back into my old habits. I have to catch myself. Sticking to writing & tracking things in my bullet journal is a habit onto itself. I gave up in February/March last year and the years before that, I wasn't very consistent. So far this year, I have been but I catch myself not picking it up or tracking things every so often. 

A book they gave us on this program called Living Smart, calls this "drifting". We find ourselves drifting off our new habits and go back to our old ways. The authors suggest catching yourself within 3 days of drifting and bringing yourself back on your plan. They also suggest monitoring the heck of you progress and kudos to my bullet journal because it helps me do just that. 

Another thing I'm learning is that I don't know all that I thought I did.

For example: last night in class, we talked about cardio and heart rates. I remember learning about it in school and I have a heart rate monitor, my FitBit. When I've been walking, it tells me that I'm in fat burning mode, so I thought I was meeting my target heart rate. 

Turns out, I wasn't. There's a whole other level called cardio. So I used the formula, and figured out my target range (226 for females, minus age, divide by 3 & then multiply by 2) I seriously just thought I just didn't sweat that much when I work out. Today, I tried the elliptical machine and watched my heart rate hit that target range. Turns out, I do sweat. And I don't have to go as long as walking because I was working harder. 

And for the life of me, I do NOT know why I didn't know that. I think it was arrogance. I think I must have tuned out or skimmed that stuff because I thought I knew it already.

Which begs the question: what else don't I know about healthy stuff?

I'm also trying to figure out food plans. I don't want to do a specific diet especially because I actually don't like the diet that I am on. A high protein soy diet doesn't make me feel great. Yes, I'm losing weight but I'm only eating 1,120 - 1,280 calories a day. My body is dropping weight because of the difference between calories out and in. 

I don't think this is the plan my body will thrive on. I'm not going to quit or anything, I'm just not loving it. I'm glad I only have 8 more weeks on it.

I'm looking into food plans that make me feel great. Something I can sustain, not something you are supposed to do for a phase (like high protein diets). I'm thinking low calorie balanced meals, some plant based but not all the time. I'm also thinking it's time I start cooking actual meals...or rather when I get to eat regular food again. 

I'm starting to think about how I want my lifestyle to be after my program ends. I noticed foods from my travels and how I felt after I'd eat them: the food in Iceland was all organic and I noticed a big difference in my health after a week eating organic food, I loved the bread in Paris but never went overboard, plus it was so fresh that it didn't have crazy preservatives in it, I loved the savory tastes from Hungary, and the pistachio gelato in Rome. I'm a meat and potatoes kind of gal, but it can be leaner meat. And I have no clue yet what the food in Portugal, Spain, & Morocco will be like. 

What I would love to do is to take things that I loved about the food from my travels and apply them to my new healthier style of eating. 

We shall see where this all takes me.....I predict Pintrest.  

I Just Want to Stuff My Face

Dakota a few months old

I'm on Week 8 and still haven't cheated on my medically supervised liquid diet. I'm at the halfway point. I've lost 25 pounds so far and I'm wearing a smaller size now.

Staying on this program is hard, especially when you are an emotional eater. 

Today, my dog, Dakota, one of my favorite creatures on the planet, was diagnosed with hip dysplasia and arthritis. It's by no means a death sentence but I'm now dealing with the fact that my dog, my copilot, is nearing the end of his cycle. He's not really my "grumpy old man dog" and is more my .... well, I don't have cute nickname for this phase yet. 

Being confronted with the idea of my dog's mortality (and keep in mind that I am a childless spinster, so my pets ARE my babies) has really bummed me out.

And I just want to eat some food that I love and comfort myself.

Getting brushed out

A part of me is saying, "Hey - you got bad news today, you need a little pick me up. You deserve this. No one would blame you."

And maybe you wouldn't. Maybe me getting Taco Bell right now would be totally justified to you. And I thank you.

But the thing is, when my emotional eating was out of control, I ALWAYS felt justified in improving my mood with food. Had a bad day? Try a little McDonald's for a pick me up! Had a good day? Celebrate with McDonald's!

I always told myself that I deserved comfort food.

And then I'd feel guilty for eating it. Or honestly, most of the time, I didn't. I just picked a new date to start my diet and never notice that I was eating fast food pretty much every day. 

He's so beautiful!

My new emotion to feed was being tired. I was too tired to cook dinner which turned into I was too tired to even heat up a diet dinner. 

Tired is not even a real emotion!

So here I sit with some really bad emotions....but kinda not really. Dakota is not suffering, he also hurt is leg chasing the cat this morning. So yes, he's struggling but he's okay. We started him on pain meds and started injections. So it's hard to see him limping but I'm not making any quality of life decisions.

So yes, I'm bummed out. But jumping on here to type up my feelings instead of feeding them feels like a healthier option to me. Dakota is lying down on the porch right now, one of his favorite pastimes, otherwise, I'd be snuggling him right now. 

I see now that there's always going to be a reason to break my food plan. And when I go back to eating regular food again, there will be things that come up that upset me. I'm trying to learn how to handle those moments. 

He loves shredding boxes

I don't need to feed my face. But I also want to allow moments to enjoy certain foods. What I really want is balance. So my question is: how do I balance those moments when I want comfort food with maintaining a healthy lifestyle? 

Do I always say no like I am doing today? Eat some mac & cheese but not the whole container? Eat some ice cream and then go for a walk? Tell myself it's not on my food plan but I if still want some later make it part of the plan?

What do healthy people do? (Notice I didn't put a shape or size on that question because I'm learning that your size does not equate healthy or unhealthy. I was one of the healthiest morbidly obese people I've ever met and I've met plenty of unhealthy skinny people.)

I'm still learning and still staying true to my food plan.

Yay me, I guess.

He's King of the Mountain!!

Behavior Modification: Exercise

So the goal of my Weight Management Program isn't to just lose weight. It's a behavior modification program designed to change two of my behaviors: healthier eating habits and increasing my exercise. 

Keep in mind that right now, I'm eating a super restricted diet. That will change in June where I will slowly be reintroducing "regular" food back into my diet. Well, that's the idea....I'm actually gonna be jumping on a plane after a few weeks of food reintroduction and will spend time in Portugal, Spain, & Morocco. So that will be different.

But my focus this week is based on an euphony I had this weekend while at the gym.

But let me back up:

So around Week 3 or 4, we were supposed to start tracking our steps. They even gave us pedometers. I have my Fitbit, so I haven't used the one that they gave me. Our goal was to hit 10,000 steps a day. 

My Fibit: Versa

And between teaching and walking Dakota, I can hit that no problem. Pat myself on the back for having an active job. 

Which was a great feeling because I HATE exercise. 

And I mean I hate every second, every step....even activities I enjoy like dancing turn to crap when it's a timed exercise. I don't think my body produces those endorphins that make you feel good exercising because it really sucks. (I also resent having to change my clothes to go exercise. After work, I want comfy, not skin tight active pants.)

I was kinda just hoping that the diet itself would fix all my issues and I could be healthy without exercise. I mean, did you see that I hit 10,000 steps Monday-Friday?

I DO like weight machines though....I feel tough when I use them but my doctor said only cardio right now. No weights/weight machines, etc.

Okay, fine. I'm going through this program....I figured I would try to hit 10,000 steps during the weekend. I have a gym membership that I wasn't using. Fine, I'll get up, put on my active wear and hit the gym.

And so I did. I followed through with it. I was listening to either a podcast or an audiobook and it wasn't terrible.

And then a couple people invited me to go on a walk with them during the week. And that didn't suck either. I enjoyed it. 

Then I realized that just hitting steps wasn't enough of a challenge for me. If I was going to work the program, shouldn't I be going out of my comfort zone and making more of an effort?

So I changed my goal: I would go to the gym on days that I wasn't teaching, but I also had to go on walks more during the week. Plus, I'd love to improve my flexibility, so I think I'll start with yoga once a week. The yoga hasn't happened yet BUT I think after work on Mondays might be a great day for that. I can destress and shake off those Mondays.

Which leads me to my euphony: I'm actually enjoying my time at the gym. I sleep in on the weekends, so when I go, it's not busy. No one is particularly nice, they all ignore me, which I like. And I get to listen to my choice: music, podcast, or audiobook. No one bothers me, no animal or person needs something from me, because it's my time to just be left alone, in my own little world, just walking on the treadmill. There's no "I should be doing this" or other guilty thoughts because I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing. I'm exactly where I need to be at that moment. 

And of course the walking has it's benefits too. I'm not stressed at the gym. I'm already faster and walking longer than I was able to that first day, so I feel better about my progress.

I still don't love exercising but it's not as terrible as it normally feels. 

If I come out of this program with the habit of going to the gym on the weekends, that's pretty impressive. And it's been 3 weeks now that I've gone. 

Maybe I'll become one of those gym people. How crazy would that be? 

Truths About Dieting

I wasn't going to post about my "diet" this week, I wanted to post something else that was going on in my life. But I am not able to do that because my "diet" is all encompassing. 

It's present when I wake up (Gotta get some water in before I walk my dog), it's present at breakfast, throughout my work day, after my work day, at dinner, and before I go to bed. Is it time to eat next so I don't mess up my planned meals? Am I getting enough water in? How are my steps doing?

It's constantly present, this plan of mine. And while I don't hold it in contempt, I have to acknowledge  it's existence. It's there ALL OF THE TIME. 

The part I do resent is it's ability to ruin my day. Good results make me feel amazing. 'Yes! My hard work, my constant vigil, is paying off!' Bad results send me down a spiral. 'What more can I do? It's not like I can starve myself!' 

And my weigh in did not go so well last week and it sent me to a dark place. 

Because somewhere along the way, my self-worth became tied to the number on the scale. I labeled myself as being "bad" when I chose foods high in sugar and fat. I'm good when I eat a salad or punish myself eating a Lean Cuisine. (that analogy came from my friend, Lily - and damn, did she nail that one on the head!). But it's true. When we're bad, food becomes a punishment.

And fat becomes synonymous with ugly, undesirable, unworthy. Fat jokes are acceptable in any situation. It's our fault for being fat. How dare we take up space in an airplane seat, never mind, that the airlines have been purposely shrinking seats to cram more people in there to sell more tickets? The fault is entirely ours. 

So there I was, shaken to the core. I'm supposed to be losing more than what that scale said. I did the work. I did everything I was asked to do. Yet my body betrayed me. 

I am living this program 24 hours a day. And I didn't feel that I was seeing results. 

I still didn't give up. Because I couldn't, not with all these eyes on me. I didn't cheat either. Because I can't cheat without becoming horribly sick, as I've been warned. 

So I sat and cried. 

I sobbed. And I sobbed and then I realized I might be a bit hormonal too. Which would explain why this week didn't go so well.

So, I reached out to my family and went for a long walk the next day. I also reached out to my therapist that night too. Thank goodness I started therapy, otherwise, I doubt I would be so successful right now. I picked myself back up and took it one day at a time. 

And the next day was better. And the day after that.

And now the results are coming in. I bought myself flowers for hitting a new weight range and leaving my last one (increments of 10). I put my baggy pants in the donate pile (I JUST went up a jean size and seem to be leaving it). And the scale moved down to a 15 pound loss just today. 

I'm envious of people who don't define themselves by a number on a scale or by their food choices. I doubt I'll ever be one of those people.

BUT I am grateful that while I don't like all the extra folds on my body, I don't consider myself ugly. I'm grateful for being able to travel to other countries where body size isn't such a cultural thing. 

And I'm grateful that when I did go dark, it wasn't for very long.

Transformation Update #3

This might be my last transformation update for a bit now that I'm getting into the swing of things.

3 powdered shake flavors

I am finishing Week 3 of a 16 week medically supervised liquid diet. I haven't cheated, nor have I given up.

So, I had my first Med Check this week where I got to meet with my doctor and go over my latest blood work and also how I was doing on the program so far. I told her how my gut didn't know what to do with it's self and she told me that was common and recommended I start taking a fiber supplement. 

She also recommended I start taking vitamin D to help boost my metabolism. I know that I was hoping I would have lost more on the program but did she agree with that statement? I dunno, because I didn't ask. I meet again with her on Week 5, so I can ask her then.

I've settled into a routine with my eating on this program. I'm still needing someone to watch my class while I run to the bathroom a couple times a day and that's annoying but I am very grateful that people are willing to help me. 

Ready made shakes are an option

I went to the movies on Friday and that triggered me. (Captain Marvel - go see it!) I was at a fancy movie theater where you order food and servers bring it right to your seats. So I saw plates of yummy food keep going by me. I had thought picking a seat at the end was a smart idea in case I had to use the bathroom but the food was distracting.

I'm not use to denying myself food. This is a completely new idea to me, especially if the food is right there for the ordering! I think this is one of my issues as to my weight gain and this is something I will have to work through the rest of my life if I want to live a healthy lifestyle, cause trust me, I wasn't craving vegetables. 

Some of the bar options

Another new thing for me is exercise. I normally get 10,000 steps on the days I teach (plus walking Dakota) but on my days off, I don't move much. So I decided to go to the gym on Saturday and Sunday. I slept in, got in my gym clothes, drank a shake (that what the program says to do), worked out, had to drink another shake cause I was really hungry afterwards. 

I've lost over 10 pounds so far. I don't know if that is considered fast or slow on this program. I'll have to ask but there's really nothing more I can do to get better results. I'm staying on the plan, moving more, drinking more water, and I'm trying to get to bed earlier. My body is just gonna do what it can do at this point.

Some benefits so far: my clothes are looser in my midsection. I didn't take measurements and now I'm kinda regretting it because those results would be interesting. I'm also sleeping a lot better. My energy stays consistent throughout the day and I don't have crashes like I used to. All that energy is coming from me now. 

I can mix and match & have soup too
There's also a tomato flavor soup

I get hungry but a meal fills me up. I eat every couple of hours too, so when I get hungry it means that I just need to eat something. The only time I ignore my hunger is when I am going to bed. I don't feel like I'm starving myself at all. Depriving myself, sure but I'm not crying about it anymore. 

I've had several decades of treating myself or "living a little" and it's okay to take a break from that for a while. 

I'm glad I didn't go the surgical route and did something where I did something permanent to myself. This is temporary. This is resetting my body, my taste buds, my metabolism, and my habits. 

A month from now will be awesome but right now, it's kind of a boring phase.