Behavior Modification: Exercise

So the goal of my Weight Management Program isn't to just lose weight. It's a behavior modification program designed to change two of my behaviors: healthier eating habits and increasing my exercise. 

Keep in mind that right now, I'm eating a super restricted diet. That will change in June where I will slowly be reintroducing "regular" food back into my diet. Well, that's the idea....I'm actually gonna be jumping on a plane after a few weeks of food reintroduction and will spend time in Portugal, Spain, & Morocco. So that will be different.

But my focus this week is based on an euphony I had this weekend while at the gym.

But let me back up:

So around Week 3 or 4, we were supposed to start tracking our steps. They even gave us pedometers. I have my Fitbit, so I haven't used the one that they gave me. Our goal was to hit 10,000 steps a day. 

My Fibit: Versa

And between teaching and walking Dakota, I can hit that no problem. Pat myself on the back for having an active job. 

Which was a great feeling because I HATE exercise. 

And I mean I hate every second, every step....even activities I enjoy like dancing turn to crap when it's a timed exercise. I don't think my body produces those endorphins that make you feel good exercising because it really sucks. (I also resent having to change my clothes to go exercise. After work, I want comfy, not skin tight active pants.)

I was kinda just hoping that the diet itself would fix all my issues and I could be healthy without exercise. I mean, did you see that I hit 10,000 steps Monday-Friday?

I DO like weight machines though....I feel tough when I use them but my doctor said only cardio right now. No weights/weight machines, etc.

Okay, fine. I'm going through this program....I figured I would try to hit 10,000 steps during the weekend. I have a gym membership that I wasn't using. Fine, I'll get up, put on my active wear and hit the gym.

And so I did. I followed through with it. I was listening to either a podcast or an audiobook and it wasn't terrible.

And then a couple people invited me to go on a walk with them during the week. And that didn't suck either. I enjoyed it. 

Then I realized that just hitting steps wasn't enough of a challenge for me. If I was going to work the program, shouldn't I be going out of my comfort zone and making more of an effort?

So I changed my goal: I would go to the gym on days that I wasn't teaching, but I also had to go on walks more during the week. Plus, I'd love to improve my flexibility, so I think I'll start with yoga once a week. The yoga hasn't happened yet BUT I think after work on Mondays might be a great day for that. I can destress and shake off those Mondays.

Which leads me to my euphony: I'm actually enjoying my time at the gym. I sleep in on the weekends, so when I go, it's not busy. No one is particularly nice, they all ignore me, which I like. And I get to listen to my choice: music, podcast, or audiobook. No one bothers me, no animal or person needs something from me, because it's my time to just be left alone, in my own little world, just walking on the treadmill. There's no "I should be doing this" or other guilty thoughts because I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing. I'm exactly where I need to be at that moment. 

And of course the walking has it's benefits too. I'm not stressed at the gym. I'm already faster and walking longer than I was able to that first day, so I feel better about my progress.

I still don't love exercising but it's not as terrible as it normally feels. 

If I come out of this program with the habit of going to the gym on the weekends, that's pretty impressive. And it's been 3 weeks now that I've gone. 

Maybe I'll become one of those gym people. How crazy would that be? 

Truths About Dieting

I wasn't going to post about my "diet" this week, I wanted to post something else that was going on in my life. But I am not able to do that because my "diet" is all encompassing. 

It's present when I wake up (Gotta get some water in before I walk my dog), it's present at breakfast, throughout my work day, after my work day, at dinner, and before I go to bed. Is it time to eat next so I don't mess up my planned meals? Am I getting enough water in? How are my steps doing?

It's constantly present, this plan of mine. And while I don't hold it in contempt, I have to acknowledge  it's existence. It's there ALL OF THE TIME. 

The part I do resent is it's ability to ruin my day. Good results make me feel amazing. 'Yes! My hard work, my constant vigil, is paying off!' Bad results send me down a spiral. 'What more can I do? It's not like I can starve myself!' 

And my weigh in did not go so well last week and it sent me to a dark place. 

Because somewhere along the way, my self-worth became tied to the number on the scale. I labeled myself as being "bad" when I chose foods high in sugar and fat. I'm good when I eat a salad or punish myself eating a Lean Cuisine. (that analogy came from my friend, Lily - and damn, did she nail that one on the head!). But it's true. When we're bad, food becomes a punishment.

And fat becomes synonymous with ugly, undesirable, unworthy. Fat jokes are acceptable in any situation. It's our fault for being fat. How dare we take up space in an airplane seat, never mind, that the airlines have been purposely shrinking seats to cram more people in there to sell more tickets? The fault is entirely ours. 

So there I was, shaken to the core. I'm supposed to be losing more than what that scale said. I did the work. I did everything I was asked to do. Yet my body betrayed me. 

I am living this program 24 hours a day. And I didn't feel that I was seeing results. 

I still didn't give up. Because I couldn't, not with all these eyes on me. I didn't cheat either. Because I can't cheat without becoming horribly sick, as I've been warned. 

So I sat and cried. 

I sobbed. And I sobbed and then I realized I might be a bit hormonal too. Which would explain why this week didn't go so well.

So, I reached out to my family and went for a long walk the next day. I also reached out to my therapist that night too. Thank goodness I started therapy, otherwise, I doubt I would be so successful right now. I picked myself back up and took it one day at a time. 

And the next day was better. And the day after that.

And now the results are coming in. I bought myself flowers for hitting a new weight range and leaving my last one (increments of 10). I put my baggy pants in the donate pile (I JUST went up a jean size and seem to be leaving it). And the scale moved down to a 15 pound loss just today. 

I'm envious of people who don't define themselves by a number on a scale or by their food choices. I doubt I'll ever be one of those people.

BUT I am grateful that while I don't like all the extra folds on my body, I don't consider myself ugly. I'm grateful for being able to travel to other countries where body size isn't such a cultural thing. 

And I'm grateful that when I did go dark, it wasn't for very long.

Transformation Update #3

This might be my last transformation update for a bit now that I'm getting into the swing of things.

3 powdered shake flavors

I am finishing Week 3 of a 16 week medically supervised liquid diet. I haven't cheated, nor have I given up.

So, I had my first Med Check this week where I got to meet with my doctor and go over my latest blood work and also how I was doing on the program so far. I told her how my gut didn't know what to do with it's self and she told me that was common and recommended I start taking a fiber supplement. 

She also recommended I start taking vitamin D to help boost my metabolism. I know that I was hoping I would have lost more on the program but did she agree with that statement? I dunno, because I didn't ask. I meet again with her on Week 5, so I can ask her then.

I've settled into a routine with my eating on this program. I'm still needing someone to watch my class while I run to the bathroom a couple times a day and that's annoying but I am very grateful that people are willing to help me. 

Ready made shakes are an option

I went to the movies on Friday and that triggered me. (Captain Marvel - go see it!) I was at a fancy movie theater where you order food and servers bring it right to your seats. So I saw plates of yummy food keep going by me. I had thought picking a seat at the end was a smart idea in case I had to use the bathroom but the food was distracting.

I'm not use to denying myself food. This is a completely new idea to me, especially if the food is right there for the ordering! I think this is one of my issues as to my weight gain and this is something I will have to work through the rest of my life if I want to live a healthy lifestyle, cause trust me, I wasn't craving vegetables. 

Some of the bar options

Another new thing for me is exercise. I normally get 10,000 steps on the days I teach (plus walking Dakota) but on my days off, I don't move much. So I decided to go to the gym on Saturday and Sunday. I slept in, got in my gym clothes, drank a shake (that what the program says to do), worked out, had to drink another shake cause I was really hungry afterwards. 

I've lost over 10 pounds so far. I don't know if that is considered fast or slow on this program. I'll have to ask but there's really nothing more I can do to get better results. I'm staying on the plan, moving more, drinking more water, and I'm trying to get to bed earlier. My body is just gonna do what it can do at this point.

Some benefits so far: my clothes are looser in my midsection. I didn't take measurements and now I'm kinda regretting it because those results would be interesting. I'm also sleeping a lot better. My energy stays consistent throughout the day and I don't have crashes like I used to. All that energy is coming from me now. 

I can mix and match & have soup too
There's also a tomato flavor soup

I get hungry but a meal fills me up. I eat every couple of hours too, so when I get hungry it means that I just need to eat something. The only time I ignore my hunger is when I am going to bed. I don't feel like I'm starving myself at all. Depriving myself, sure but I'm not crying about it anymore. 

I've had several decades of treating myself or "living a little" and it's okay to take a break from that for a while. 

I'm glad I didn't go the surgical route and did something where I did something permanent to myself. This is temporary. This is resetting my body, my taste buds, my metabolism, and my habits. 

A month from now will be awesome but right now, it's kind of a boring phase. 

Transformation Update #2

I am on Day 13 of 112 on Phase One of my medically supervised liquid diet. I have not eaten anything outside of the program. I haven't cheated, not once.

I was told that the first two weeks on the program are the hardest. And I first thought that since the first week was so hard that week 2 would be a walk in the park.

Oh, I was young then! Okay, it was 5 days ago but still, so naive.

I went in for my weekly check in and to be honest, I was kinda bummed at the results. MY scale showed a 6.5 pound loss and my doctor's scale showed a 3.9 pound loss. Some people in my group lost 8 pounds but more people were in my range.

And I was bummed because with all that I had gone through, I wanted to lose so much more. Now, I know what you are saying, "But 6 pounds in one week is good!" or "You're just getting started, etc." And yes, I know. It took me years to put on this weight, it'll take some time to take it off.

It appears that I, myself, had some unrealistic expectations.

I also found out that I didn't need to be drinking that much water. I could count the water I was adding to the shakes. And my body was adjusting so I was as thirsty this week as the week before. I still drink a lot of water and need help with bathroom breaks during school hours, but I feel a little more balanced. 

But this week was hard in a way I wasn't expecting. Week 1 was about my body adjusting, whereas Week 2 was about my mind adjusting. And man, she is a b*tch!

So far on this plan, I eat every couple of hours and I am not hungry. So none of my issues came from needing to eat but I felt so deprived to the point of tears. I missed my soda, I missed food....bread, sandwiches...surprisingly NOT candy but baked goods like cupcakes and such. I didn't miss fast food but I missed steak and chicken. Oh, and chips....I missed meals. I had a dream where I shoved my mouth full of sourdough bread without realizing it, and asked myself, "What are the chances of this being a bar?" Oh, it was bread all right, and sourdough is my favorite. I even missed salads. 

I was resentful and sad. And to add insult to injury, my weight started fluctuating and I wasn't losing much if anything. 

I don't care that I shouldn't weight myself everyday...that was the ONE thing I was looking forward to on this plan was seeing those numbers go down and my scale betrayed me! BETRAYED I say!

What was I doing all this for!?! 

Oh, there were tears. There was doubt. There was me questioning if illegal speed was simply getting a bad rap and maybe I should have gone that route. 

But I didn't give up. Instead, I looked to what I could add to my diet that was on the list like: zero calorie sparkling water or Hint water. I found out that I could add Mrs. Dash to my soups to improve the flavor. I could even drink diet sodas if I wanted to but I want to move away from sodas so I stayed away from that. But the other drinks seem to help. 

No, I didn't give up. The scale has started to trickle down. 

I just hope this works.

One issue that I am having is that this high protein diet is really messing up my gut. I meet with the doctor in a couple of days for my first Med Check and I am going to seriously talk to her about adding some fiber to my diet. I hope my tummy issues is why I wasn't losing much weight this week. 

I was pretty active this week, I hit 10,000 steps every day but the weekend because I'm a teacher and trust me, we move a lot.

I have to be okay with the fact that my process might be slower than expected. I might not lose the 70 to 80 pounds within that time frame. It may take me longer. And even if I was 50 pounds lighter for my trip this summer, that's still amazing. I have to stop comparing myself to others. Some people are going to lose more than me and I just need to be happy for them.

Mother f***ers.

Transformation Update #1

It's Day 5 of my 112 day medically supervised liquid diet. And I have been following it to the letter, I haven't cheated once on it.

My cabinets are completely empty and my fridge is bare as well. I found it therapeutic to clean everything out. One of my goals during this time is to reframe my relationship with food and I'm looking at this time as a reset for my body, so it will be nice to add things to my shelves when it's time to start over. 

Confession: I did keep some canned tuna that isn't going to expire until 2021. I figured in case of an earthquake it would be good to keep some food on hand and when I reintroduce food, tuna isn't going to be a food I avoid. And I'm saving some champagne for Day 113.

I found that when Day 1 came, I was mentally ready to start. I thought I was physically ready but after decades of eating junk food and sugar daily, there's no preparing for that! I have a great support system with my friends & family and my coworkers have really helped me out (more on that later). I think my mom may have some unrealistic expectations with this program though, she mentioned me being able to go out and buy clothes from different stores. I don't think she realizes that I'm still going to be fat, I just won't be as fat. And yes, I say fat because fat doesn't mean ugly. I love my curves, I just want to be closer to 200 pounds than 300 pounds. And I have a lot of weight to lose right now.

So back to Day 1...I find that I'm eating constantly, so I haven't been hungry. It's a high protein diet and high protein seems to really fill me up (good to remember when I can eat real food again!). So being hungry isn't an issue. I had already stopped drinking soda a few days before and was cutting down my sugary drinks. I figured that would help.

The real issue that first day was the 10 glasses of water that I have to drink daily. If I don't hit that water goal, the high protein will work against me. But drinking 10 glasses of water when you aren't very good about drinking water means your bladder goes into overdrive. And as a teacher, I cannot leave my students unattended. Teacher Bladder is a real thing. We can hold it like no other. Which also means we are susceptible to urinary tract infections. 

But I couldn't hold it! I get 2 chances a day to use the facilities during a school day: recess and lunch but I needed MORE. So my coworkers stepped in and watched my class while I ran down the hall...multiple times a day. Some of my students commented on my having to use the bathroom a lot. I hope that balances out a bit more. I'm trying not to drink so much water during the day and guzzling it after school but I'm on a liquid diet, it's not gonna work like that. I think after this experience, I'll buy the ladies in the office flowers or something nice. 

And speaking of a liquid diet: it seems some bodies have difficulty adjusting to a liquid diet and might have tummy trouble. I am one of those people. I was sick the first day. I had a meeting after school at another site. I stood in the parking lot and said, "NOPE!" and then went home for the afternoon. 

Thankfully, my body adjusted to that aspect rather quickly, so every day felt better than the first.

And then Day 2 brought the sugar withdrawal. It started at the end of Day 1 but on Day 2 I woke up with a headache that stayed with me all day. My morning tea didn't help. I thought I was going through a caffeine withdrawal but the tea should have made a difference and it didn't. Plus, I've had caffeine headaches before and I didn't want to cry for no reason or totally lack any energy in the afternoon and evening. No, my friends, this was a sugar withdrawal. 

I also noticed I was feeling a little woozy or dizzy....when I was walking down the hall towards the end of the day, the office seemed to shift off it's foundation as I was heading towards it. But that felt kind of fun, like something almost pleasant so I figured I was fine.

By Day 3 I was feeling better headache wise, my energy was still kind of low (my body is learning to use the energy she's stored instead of what I put in her mouth) and I was thinking about food. Like really wanting food but not the food I normally eat, not McDonalds, chips, or candy but things I never eat: I really wanted a grilled ham & cheese sandwich. I couldn't stop thinking about it, that if I ate that sandwich, all the happiness in the world could be mine. And dear lord, I freaking miss Dr. Pepper!

My old habits tried to creep up, like I went to go eat something before I had to remind myself that's not what I'm eating that day. 

Day 3 was also the day I had tickets to see Hamilton that night. I was so worried about my new bathroom crazy bladder that I decided I would drink my water earlier, then stop drinking water a few hours before the show. And that worked! A little too well because after the show, I felt dehydrated and all I wanted to do was to drink water, gallons and gallons of water. And I had a headache that went away as soon as I drank the water. And all of this was weird because I had already drank my 10 glasses, so my body should have been fine. But whatever, I didn't miss a second of Hamilton and that's all that counts. (It was so incredible by the way!!! I loved it!)

Days 4 & 5 (today) have been uneventful. I'm not as active on the weekend, so I'm making sure to try to fit in some extra walking. I sprained my ankle at work last week, so I can't get in too much walking but I try here and there. I'm tired and my energy is still down but my body feels like it's normaling out. There's hardly any tummy issues now or headaches.

I can't take certain medications only Tylenol for pain but I haven't been taking any of that either. I feel like this is all something I have to push through.

One other thing I've noticed is that I've been colder than normal. Like I need to walk around with a comforter wrapped around me and I'm not used to that.

So is it working? I'm not supposed to be weighing in....but I totally am. Yes, it's working. I've been seeing the scale go down a little bit every day. I'll post my weight loss for the week at the end of Week 1 (technically, it's Week 2 on the program but we didn't get our food that first week) and let you know how it's going. I know I'll start seeing the benefits soon of simply increasing my water, so that's cool. 

So for now, I'm signing off.

Bullet Journaling

Today I wanted to talk about my bullet journal (or bujo, as I've seen). 

A bullet journal is a planner where YOU create it's entire layout and content. The journals typically are ones with dotted pages but the beauty is that you can use whatever you want. There are suggestions but no rules.

Typical journal

I'm not going to go into the how to set up a bullet journal for two reasons 1) I can't do it as well as some other people have (for a video click here and for a great website click here.) and 2) I don't use mine with the planner format.

I have a great system I use for planning (my teacher planner for school and my simple wall calendar for my appointments, etc) so I didn't need an extra planner. I do, however, thrive on writing out my to do lists by hand.

And that's basically what I use my bullet journal for, to do lists. I also track habits that I want to start, track books I've read, movies I went out to see, future ideas for things, tv shows I watch, basically anything that I want to keep track of.

washi tape is fun to use in bujo

I was going to show pictures of beautiful bullet journal spreads because I am not an artist. I practice writing in different fonts and it's not pretty. I use washi tape and stickers to decorate my pages and while I'm pleased with the results, some other people's pages are just so gorgeous! I'm also very linear in my thinking so my bullet journal tends to reflect that. I decided NOT to show pictures of bullet journal spreads that aren't mine because I also did not want to take credit away from the artist/person who created them. So you are stuck with pictures from my own bullet journal. Some of the pages ideas I got from Pinterest, others I got from the Facebook groups I am part of, and others just work for me. 

I use stickers like these

I started bullet journaling a couple years ago but if my head isn't in the right place, I tend to drop it. I used to feel if I didn't follow through and check off everything on my list, it meant I was a failure. Now, I've reframed my list as my goals for the day but understanding that sometimes other things come up or maybe it was a particularly trying day and I need to focus on self-care that wasn't on my list. I'm learning to be more forgiving towards myself and I'm actually more successful with my lists, it may just take me writing it down more than once but it gets done. 

Since starting my bullet journal in January, it's been fun and I've been experimenting more. It helps with my tidying and if I make my list the night before, it helps me set my intention for the next day. I don't lie awake at night thinking of all the stuff I have to do, it's already written down.

So here are some of my pages:

I've been playing with different pens & fonts. This is my title page if you will. The pen I used "ghosted" or imprinted to the other side, which I wasn't a fan of but I like this page.

My 2019 goals page & travel wish list. I found some travel washi tape that worked nicely with what I had in mind. I'm also practicing with "faking" calligraphy. 

My weight loss tracking page. My goal was 40 pounds but now that my doctor says I'm expected to lose 80 pounds, I'll add another tracker page once I fill this one up. I also included a motivational quote to help keep me going.

I have a GoodReads account that keeps track of my books for the year BUT it doesn't count re-reads and I do, so I made my own tracker. So far, I'm already behind but that doesn't mean I won't make my goal. And last year I didn't. I only read 78 books, which is still okay with me.

So to keep track of the movies I go out and see, the idea was to write the movie title as a popcorn and then the page would be filled with popcorn. I haven't seen any movies yet but that's not atypical. As summer draws closer, I tend to go out more to watch movies, especially with Avengers coming out! The next page is a list of different ways I can practice self-care. 

I wanted a year at a glance but I didn't need it to be too big since my year isn't so jammed pack, but when it is, it's awesome! My other page is a title page for January and my goal is to create a similar page for each month. I used stickers for the theme.

This is a typical weekly spread for me. Notice that Friday none of my things were checked off because I had a change in plans. I've been keeping track of my weekend chores and that's been helping me feel more accomplished during my weekend. I love the rose gold wash tape. 

Tidying my house has been a slow process but at the start, I went through my house and made a list of everything I had wanted to tidy up. This list has been really helpful and I'm pleased how much has been crossed off at this point. Little bit by little bit, I am getting rid of things I'm not using, that are literally collecting dust, or things that just need a deep clean!

Again, a normal weekly spread but I started playing around with this style of font with a highlighter and a pen. I've tried different pens and so far my favorite are the felt tip Flair pens by Papermate and Stabilo highlighers. For a more fine line tip, I like Fineliner Color Pens by Sipa. All of these I ordered from Amazon. 

Uh huh, fake it till you make it!

If you are interested in learning more, have fun researching! There are so many ideas on Pinterest that a person could feel overwhelmed. So remember, it's YOURS and you need to make it work for you, no one else! And even if you aren't an artist, there are fun ways to make it look pretty with accessories. That's how I make it work.

Transformation Commencing

Now that my insides are on a better to a more healthy lifestyle, I'd like my outside to start on that journey as well. 

And I want to ride a camel.

That sounds weird. 

This summer, one of my stops is in Morocco and I have an opportunity to ride a camel at sunset on the Moroccan desert. Camels are treated better than other tourist stops that involve animals and in fact, there is a group that can certify to the care and treatment of the camel, so having researched the animal's right of riding a camel and coming in the clear. I want to ride a camel at sunset in the Moroccan desert. 

But I'm a B-I-G woman. I feel that at this weight, me riding a camel would NOT be fair to that poor camel. 

So my goal is to lose weight.

Don't get me wrong, I love my curves and I in no way want to be Instagram model skinny. But I'm a little closer to 300 pounds than I care to be.

Over the years, I've done Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, tracked my food with My Fitness Pal and I haven't seen much success. 

Then one of my co-worker's started posting about her success. She lost something like 70 pounds in 20 weeks. 

It's a medically supervised weight loss program where you use meal replacements on a very strict daily calorie intake for 17 weeks. So it's pretty much a liquid diet. It's very intense where you constantly get checked by a doctor to make sure your body is handling everything okay. You meet for a class with your support group once a week and take classes for over a year in a behavior modification program focusing on healthy eating habits and exercise.

I heard about this program and instantly thought, "There's no way I would do that!" I mean, give up food? My soda? Candy bars? Fast food.....wait a minute....I was seeing a connection here.... 

But this program seemed too much. I even referred to it as "medically supervised anorexia". 

I even thought about my previous efforts and how I cheat all the time. I have sabotaged every effort I had ever made to lose weight.

And I have never done anything so restrictive.....I never restrict myself and food.....wait....oh dammit!

Doing this program would be hard and kinda of crazy. I'd need support....which I have and now that I was in a better head space, I knew I could absolutely do this. 

I don't avoid things simply because I've never tried it before. In fact, I make a point whenever I find myself using that as an excuse not to do something, I will stop and consider it. 

So I applied to the program. I got blood work and an EKG done just to see if I was healthy enough to attempt this. I got the okay and my doctor thinks I'd be a good candidate for it actually. She's expecting me to lose 70-80 pounds by my trip this summer. 

This week I am cleaning out cupboards, and preparing myself for the next few weeks. Next week, I start the meal replacements. My hair might start thinning due to rapid weight loss, my breath might smell from the shakes (I'm allowed sugar free gum & mints), I can still drink tea (I'm not a coffee drinker), but I might feel woozy the first few days, I might not be my happy self right away....parts of it might really suck.

But it's not surgery, and my hair would grow back.

I picture this like Andy Dufresne from Shawshank Redemption when he's going through the tunnel of filth and "came out clean the other end". 

Oh, I'll still be big, but so much lighter, in so many ways.

I freaking love the Shawshank Redemption. I've mentioned it several times on my blog before but I hate to leave something gross from it here....so I'll end with another quote that fits this moment, right now and somehow sums it up for me:

I find I'm so excited that I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at a start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.