The Weighting Game

I am tired of obsessing about my weight. I am tired of the constant battle between what I should be doing, what I am doing, and what I am not doing.

I have faced many obstacles to overcome in my life, but my greatest obstacle has been my weight. And what makes it even more delightful, is that my incredibly raw, heartbreaking journey is out there for everyone to see...and judge.

Oh, don't worry, I judge myself far more harshly than anyone else could.

I'm not writing this because I want pity or attention even. I've been wanting to write but felt that I haven't had much to write about because 1) I don't enjoy writing about my classroom and 2) if I'm not in my classroom, then I'm obsessing about my weight.

And who wants to read about that?

Then I figured, I'm a morbidly obese woman trying to lose weight. If I am successful, then it's a story. But the fact I haven't been successful after years of trying kinda makes it not so interesting a story.

I would love to tell you that something clicked in me and I suddenly became determined to lose this weight. I looked over and found my "why". For some, it's their kids, or another loved one....my why is that I don't want to be fat. It's completely selfish: I don't like being fat. It really sucks. 

Okay, I used the "f" word. Normally, people want to jump in and tell me that I'm still beautiful and try to make me feel better. Here's the funny thing: I don't actually think I'm ugly, I just think I'm fat and I don't like it. But I have days where I like my outfit, or my hair, or my makeup and I think I look pretty. I don't associate fat with ugliness. I can look at women of all sizes and think they are beautiful. So please don't think when I say that I am fat, I am also saying I am ugly. 

Some people might think that I am ugly. But they aren't seeing me. Granted, I don't like how people look through me or don't make eye contact with me. I think I must be lucky, being a pretty fat because I can't imagine how a homely person of my size would be treated. Ever since I dyed my hair blonde, people have seemed to notice me more and they are being nicer. I used to blend in the wall and people made a point not to look at me. I felt even more isolated from people. It's very lonely being obese.

And how people love to give me advice how to lose weight! I actually know how to lose weight and honestly, most advice isn't very accurate. Me eliminating one food item is not going to help a woman of my size...or doing anything that is "easy". 

Losing weight is freaking HARD. For me to lose weight I have to: completely change my food choices (like from scratch), write down everything I eat, count those calories (or points if I happen to be on Weight Watchers for the bazillionth time), not go over the calorie goal, drink 10+ glasses of water (bigger people need to drink more), plan my meals, exercise (making sure I mix up cardio with some strength training), get my 8 hours of sleep a night, and give up any junk/crap food like soda or sugar in the meantime.

Not only does the process suck, but I have to wait forever for the results. See, after a month of working on this every day, there won't be a very noticeable difference. That's another joy of obesity. I have to lose 10% of my weight before it's physically noticeable. So the more you weigh, the more you have to lose. I think it is very sweet when people notice that I have been making changes and they tell me that they can see the results already and they really can't. And because plus size clothing spans 20 pounds in one size, I can't even lose a dress size until I lose over 20 pounds (and most likely - closer to 30 pounds). 

I went to my doctor, to get help losing weight. I was referred to a weight loss surgeon. But I won't be taking that route. I'm actually only 15 pounds over the qualifying weight and my blood work came back that I have actually gotten healthier in the last year. And I'm okay with that, I want the freedom to try certain foods without it making me sick. Or having to obsess even more with what I eat. 

My doctor recommended I try Alli for weight loss. I was hesitant to try it, especially since some of the side effects could be messing your pants. And It Works has Fat Fighters which blocks some of the fat in a meal but doesn't have nasty side effects. But I tried the Alli.....and boy, was I sorry. It gave me a horrible headache for 4 days (I thought I was experiencing caffeine withdrawl until I realized I in no way drank that much soda!) and when I stopped taking it, I felt like I had food poisoning. I'll be sticking to my Fat Fighters, thank you very much! I don't take them regularly, so I should really start doing that.

Again with the shoulds! 

I hope that one day I can not obsess about my weight. I hope when I hit maintenance mode that diet and exercise will be such a habit, it's no longer the soul sucking annoyance it is today. And maybe I will have an inspirational story to tell after all! 

Me, as I am

In the meantime, I will just keep going....

Glory Days

My 1st time on a bush plane

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, when he said to me: "I don't know why you don't talk more about your Alaskan adventures. If I was you, I'd be mentioning it every 3rd sentence."

Oh, I have my reasons.

I know people who have done amazing things in this world. And they have amazing stories to tell. But some of them really only have that one amazing story. Which they continue to tell, many times....just...that...one....story.

And that's not what I want. 

My 1st boat ride to Bethel

I don't want my glory days to be when I spent 3 years teaching in rural Alaska, driving down the Alaska Highway and then leaving for Iceland alone a month later. Because as awesome as that is....I don't want that to be my crowning achievement. I don't want that to be my one story.

Which then begs the question: What do I want then?

Oh my gosh! So many things!

But more importantly, what am I doing about it?

Because I'm finding that wanting & wishing for things aren't enough. You have to go out and make things happen. 

My 1st experience living in snow (modeling my new boots)

So here are some changes in my life that are coming around the bend:

Writing: I really want to write. But not about my life. I want to write fiction, so I plan on devoting more time to writing and not just trying to blog more.

My 1st time plucking birds

Career: One thing my experience in Alaska taught me, is that a teacher without a union backing him/her can be so mistreated. I was bullied, threatened, mistreated, and unfairly assessed by my administration in Alaska. I decided "Never Again" and have become more involved in my local teacher's union. There's a backlash against unions right now, that is really unfair to workers. Because corporations aren't after their worker's best interests, and when left alone, they will mistreat people. I've seen that first hand. I like the idea of standing up for people and helping them, being a voice for those in need. 

My 1st time on the tundra

Business: I became a Distributor for It Works! a little while ago. I used to sell bags and I liked that for a time but I am not a big party person. And that's the big thing for selling the bags, you have to have parties to increase your sales. So I took a break from that. I was using the It Works! products as a customer and I decided to try selling them. I really liked the business model It Works! uses (I actually have a business degree before I got into teaching) and I have been really impressed with how well I have been doing with this. And I don't need to do parties to be successful. And the product is consumable so my clients will need more at some point, which is important. Because once you buy a bag that lasts forever, well....there's only so many bags you need. Plus, I really stand behind the products. (For compliance purposes, I am not allowed to post my business links on my blog, but it doesn't say that I can't say that I am a Distributor.)

My 1st helicopter ride (pictured with my mom)

Weight Loss: Man, this is my Everest. I am determined to accomplish a major feat this year! I was down almost 30 pounds, but I put back 10 with summer vacation (I am so active during the school year that it's a hard adjustment for me.) So, I'm still 20 pounds down but I am ready to commit to my health. I don't really even talk about it anymore because it's so personal and my results are up and down. I haven't found anything that's clicked with me yet. I've noticed that when I don't eat processed foods that I see faster results. So that's important. 

My 1st very own dog (Dakota)

I'm reading Jack Canfield's book, 'The Success Principles' and that book has been very eye opening. I was feeling really bad about my weight recently and using his methods just in the beginning of the book have helped me pull myself out of a deep dark slump. 

I thought hitting rock bottom would be a number on a scale but it turns out that wasn't the case. 

Sometimes, I think there are messengers here from the universe (or what ever you believe). They help tell you the next step. Sometimes, they come in the form of actual people but in this case, I think the message from the universe came in the form of a book. Stay positive, set goals, make affirmations, & visualize your success. That's what I've been doing so far. Also, his book has really helped me zero in on what I want from life. 

And it's not to have peaked in Alaska. I've got more stories to gather. I plan to have Glory Years!

My last picture in Akiak

Rules for Dating My Auntie Lala...

...according to my 7 year old niece!

Actually, I'm surprised that she was willing to agree that I should even date. She's actually quite against it. 

Here are her objections:

1) What if I want to sleep over?
2) You'll be out all the time, going on icky dates.

Basically, she is unwilling to share me.

I was reading Aziz Ansari's book 'Modern Romance' and I was discussing the book with my mother, while my favorite 7 year old was playing with her toys.

I told my mother that I was pretty sure at this point I'll never marry.

To which my niece replied, "And there's nothing wrong with THAT!" 

But then I asked, "Well, if I did get a boyfriend, what kind of guy should I get?"

And here is her list & reasonings: 

1) He'd have to be funny & like to have fun because I (Auntie Lala) am funny & like to have fun. So that makes sense.

2) He needs to like comic books. And by comic books, she means 'My Little Pony'. Yes, because her daddy likes 'My Little Pony' and once when she was wearing a 'My Little Pony' sweatshirt, a man told her that Rainbow Dash was his favorite. So, since guys like 'My Little Pony', my boyfriend would have to as well.

3) He doesn't have to like 'Doctor Who' because 'Doctor Who' is scary and gives her nightmares. He should like 'Star Wars though', because Auntie Lala likes 'Star Wars'.

4) He should have a job because that's what adults do.

5) He has to like big dogs and cats because of Dakota & Lola.

6) He can't live with his parents because only little kids do that.

7) He has to let her do what she (my niece) wants.

And there you have it. Those are the rules. 

Actually, looking over them, it's not a bad list. 

I imagine that when I bring a fella home to meet my family, it's not going to be my parents who he'll need to impress though. And since she's declared that she's only willing to share me with Dakota & Lola, good luck with that!*

*She was aware of a gentleman who liked me & asked me out on a date and when she met him, she glared at him when he walked away from us. Like seriously shot daggers at him with her eyes!

2015 Reading Challenge Update

So I started the PopSugar's 2015 Reading Challenge in January. 

I don't know when I became such a big reader. I remember, as a teen ager, sitting in the living room with my brothers, and all of reading our own books. Maybe I was a reader back then but in a house full of readers, I never noticed it because it was our norm. 

I remember as a punishment for not completing pretty much any of my homework in middle school, I had to back up my bookcase and turn my books in with my mother. (Since she wasn't looking, I stashed some of my favorites away in my closet. Then I'd sit & read in my closet instead of doing my homework.)

I remember also in middle school, when my mother left a Jackie Collins book in the bathroom and I spent 3 days sitting on the bathroom floor, pouring over that novel. My mom left to run errands and I remember lying on the floor, half in the bathroom, half in the hall so I would be able to hear her unlock the front door. That book was the trashiest, most awful book I have ever read. Still to this day.

I did admit to my mom that I had read that book and after that, two things happened 1) my mom was much more careful about the books she left lying around and 2) she decided that I would be allowed to read adult romance novels, but she got to pick them out for me. Her choice were top rated (not trashy) historical romances. My favorite authors at the time were Julie Garwood & Judith McNaught. I am sure I was a middle school English teacher's worst nightmare.....the books I pulled out for silent reading were not your average middle schooler's.

Looking back, I guess I've always been a reader. But it didn't seem like being a book worm was anything to comment about it. 

I think I figured that everyone liked reading and read books. 

It wasn't until my friends started posting posts about loving books & reading on my Facebook timeline that I realized my love of books & reading was anything special. But those posts made me feel special. It made me proud of books & reading and that people associated me with something so fine & lovely.

I've never tried to compete with anybody or look down on them for not reading books. My sister-in-law isn't a reader, and I adore her. She interacts with the real world far more than I do. I admire her for that. She's constantly out doing things, having fun, so who I am to judge anyone for that. 

I just spent two hours laying on my bed, reading my Stephen King book. That was great fun (to me). 

Even though I'm not competitive, that doesn't mean that some people don't try to compete with me. I didn't grow up with that. My brothers liked their genres, and I liked mine. I'd read one of their books, but it wasn't my thing and that's okay. There are a few genres that I don't read. I would love to be into poetry, but I just don't read it. And horror books...I will read the master of horror (Stephen King) but I don't like to be scared normally. Military & war books don't interest me either. I like some biographies but I seem to be picky about the person I read about. I like to read about strong women in history who went against society's norms and kicked ass. 

I mention this because someone once tried to put me down for not reading the same genres as he did. I was told I was really limiting myself as a reader. That offended me, because I do consider myself to be well-read. 

Back to the Reading Challenge!

I like that I read some books that I normally would not have but I don't think I will be doing another challenge next year. I miss picking books out just for fun. Now, they have to be on my list or a book I can use on my list.

This challenge is a 52 book challenge. That averages to a book a week. And I've read 34 books so far this year. I have 18 left to go. Last year, my goal was to read 37 books (and I read 52, go figure). 

Thankfully, the challenge hasn't lessened my love of reading. It's just narrowed my choices. But I did go back & took another look at my TBR (To Be Read) stack & figured out how to fit in my new books into the the challenge. That helps. 

Here's my challenge so far:

Man, if I got a free book out of this challenge, that'd be awesome. But right now, I'll take the feeling of accomplishment & pride. Either way, after reading all those books, it's still a win. 

Bad Advice Or Why I Have To Pay THE MAN

I am not doing very much this summer. I don't have any big trips planned.

I tell people that I have to "adult" this summer. Because that's more fun to say than: I have to save my money because I owe the IRS back taxes and it's due at the end of the summer. So, instead I say something cute and kind of trendy.

But how did this happen? How is it that I owe back taxes? I'm a single school teacher who rents. 

Oh yeah, it's cause I thought some people knew what they were talking about!

Have you ever met someone who spoke with such conviction & authority that you had an instant respect for them......only to find out later that they had absolutely no idea what they were talking about?

Yeah, that's annoying. But thankfully, I am starting to not fall for that.

Back when I was filing my 2012 taxes, I was doing them myself. Now, I was still living & teaching in Alaska at that point and I couldn't take my taxes over to a professional to have them done.

My taxes are pretty straight forward anyways. But there was one thing that was tricky.

Since I had no say in where I lived in Akiak (the school district was my landlord and determined what house I stayed at AND who I lived with) I fell under the category of "Forced Housing". Which meant that my rent was tax deductible. 

Yay, right? Except that it's a pretty rare occurrence and not handy on any tax form. So I asked other teachers where they had put in the rent amount. 

They said, "Oh, you just do _______________." (I'm NOT posting what they said.)

I asked, "Really? That's it?"

I was told by several people, "I've done that for years and never had a problem." Then they looked at me like I was stupid for even questioning if they were correct.

Okay, so that's what I did. I submitted my taxes and everything was fine. Who was I to question those smarter than me? 

The next two returns, I went to a professional and everything was fine.

Except, a few months ago, I received a letter saying that my 2012 taxes were wrong and I owed thousands of dollars. 

And I saw on Facebook that many of my Alaskan friends had received similar letters.

To quote Lord of the Rings: ....but they were all of them deceived...

Okay, that was a bit dramatic. But bottom line: the advice didn't come from a tax expert. And it was bad advice.

I wrote the IRS and told them why I didn't owe them thousands of dollars.

And they agreed.....for the most part. They say I still owe $700. 

Could I fight it? Maybe. I could hire a tax attorney. I could go to a professional. Or I can be grateful that it's no longer thousands of dollars and just pay it.

And that's what I have decided to do. Chalk it up to the next time I want tax advice, you'd better be a professional. 

Although, part of me wants to submit a bill to the people who gave me the advice....but one of them is in jail waiting trial for abusing his adopted children, so I don't really want his money anyways.

My advice: there's a lot of bad advice out there, and if someone has to put you down to prove their point, maybe it's not the best advice after all. 

Still Miss Ruark's Adventures....

I've decided that having an adventure blog right now is not what I want to write about anymore. Now, don't get me wrong, I love adventures! However, I feel like I am narrowing my topics to write about. And since I've moved back to the world of suburbia, adventures are different.

I've got a lot to say, and Miss Ruark's Adventures couldn't contain me anymore....

I'm just breaking out of my box.

My cat, about to bust out of her box!

Snapshot of Iceland: Background

I wasn't planning to travel to Iceland. I was teaching in rural Alaska and planning my move back to California. I was saving money for my move.

Prometheus

I was watching the opening scene in the movie "Prometheus". The scene was panning this magnificent landscape and stopping at the biggest waterfall I had ever seen. I was wondering where on earth this was filmed. I was sure the waterfall had been CGIed. I looked it up online and found out, no, that was in fact a real waterfall in Iceland called Dettifoss. I was impressed.

Then I was looking at my Yahoo news feed and I saw an article about places people really need to see.....and Iceland was on that list. I felt it call to me.

Now, one of the reasons that I don't travel is that I don't have anyone to go with me. I normally put it out of my head because it's just not going to happen.

But could I go alone? A travel article online said that a single woman would be safe in Iceland.

Should I wait until next year after my move? A voice inside me said, "NO!"

I needed to go to Iceland. I can't tell you why I felt that way but it was something I had to do.

So, within a week I had booked my flight and hotel in Reykjavik. I booked everything myself and according to the travel packages I found online, I did it saving $2,000-$3,000. I booked the flight of of Icelandic Air using their calendar of prices. I picked the cheapest flight. It was "off season" but the peak season would have been only a week later. I was trying to research hotels and found that most of them were booked up (probably for other travel packages because tourist season was not yet in full swing) so I jumped on a good hotel.

My research

I ordered a couple of travel guides and a 'How to Speak Icelandic' cd series. I watched a ton of videos on Youtube about Iceland. I booked connected to a local in Reykjavik through Guide to Iceland. She was very helpful and gave me ideas on what to do and see based on what I was looking for. 

I was very thoughtful about my tours. Dettifoss was in Northern Iceland, which would have meant a bus ride and an overnight during the week. I decided to pass on that and just stay in Reykjavik and take day tours from there. In retrospect, I do wish I had gone to see it. But, I still had a great trip. 

The website has been updated, but I did find the actual tour links through the bus company, Grayline:

South Coast, Waterfalls, & Glacier Hike ~ I wanted to see the waterfalls Skogafoss & Seljalandsfoss. I thought the Glacier Hike sounded cool too. "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" was filmed at Skogafoss...and other places.

Landmannalaugar Geothermal Area ~ This tour looked very cool, and I wanted an opportunity to try going in a Hot Spring. And there was another waterfall on the trip. There's one part you pass where they filmed "Thor 2".

The Blue Lagoon & Golden Circle ~ This was my last tour and it is THE tour to go on. You spend the morning at the world famous spa, The Blue Lagoon, and then tour the 'Golden Circle' which consists of a massive waterfall, Gullfoss. And you get to see Geysir...and other geysers...plus, you drive through a part of Iceland where the North American continental plate meets the European continental plate (okay they are technically drifting away as opposed to meeting but whatever).

I booked my tours every other day so that I could go out & experience Reykjavik. For that day, I planned to check out museums and go whale watching. 

Now a note: there is a famous penis museum in Iceland, called the Icelandic Phallological Musuem. (warning: link shows several specimens) It's basically the largest collection of different animal penises in the world....in jars & whatnot. I debated going there because it would be something to say I went there and the I could only imagine what that gift shop would look like. But medical specimens in jars grosses me out. I don't like to watch medical shows on TV, and I even cover my face in parts of "Grey's Anatomy". So, I decided beforehand that I would not be checking out that museum. 

My trip was set. I was so excited!